i refuse to do it anymore

I've been doing it for over 20 years.  I AM DONE. 



Why do you want to live with guilt? It does not serve any purpose at all except to make you miserable. Can you see that your mind becomes your true enemy in that it keeps reinforcing feelings of guilt about things you did in the past.

You can use these simple pointers to stop the mind from victimizing you through guilt

Past does not define your present – If you are willing to be really honest you will see that past is just memory. You reinforce it by thinking about it in your present. What you are now is not what you were in the past. In reality you are a different person everyday and every moment. Guilt can only arise when you associate with who you were in the past.

“Wrong” is only an idea – In truth there is nothing right or wrong. Everything is just a manifestation in this world of form. Circumstances are neutral until the mind labels it. You can simply ignore your mind when it tries to make you feel guilty. Know that your mind is just a computer that is running a conditioned script. Stop having a guilty conscience by knowing that it’s only an idea of the mind.

“Forgive them for they know not what they do” – A beautiful pointer given by Jesus which can be applied to our lives. All our actions are mostly unconsciously driven by instinct or impulse. Can we forgive ourselves for being unconscious? Of course, there is nothing personal about human unconsciousness. Life is forever forgiving.

You can learn without feeling guilty – So you did something “wrong”, does it serve any purpose to punish yourself continuously for it? Why not just use the experience to become more mature. Everything in life is an opening towards growth. Embrace the message that your guilt brings you but don’t associate with the feeling.

Stop believing in beliefs – Guilt can easily provide an opportunity for growth. Look deep within to realize the dysfunctional belief or thought that causes you to feel guilty and be open enough to see through its silliness. All beliefs are ultimately silly.

Guilt can also help us become more righteous and virtuous as long as we are not deluding ourselves. The greatest virtue is to stay true to our heart and not to our mind. But forgive yourself first before you hope to learn something from the experience. Your heart is always willing to forgive, it’s the mind that always places the blame game.

day 2 of mini-morning-workout

Arms are sore. Back sorta sore.

I couldn't keep making excuses as to why I couldn't do a 10 to 15 minute workout in the morning.  At least get started with it.  Do SOMETHING.  And when I'm sore I want to do more.  This will have to be a daily thing.

update

Mom is better - 3 full meals a day, walking with a walker, working out at the gym in the nursing home.  Eventually it looks like she'll go to an assisted living place.  She has friends visiting her and I send a fax every couple of days to her.  Her memory is not all there - this is the sad part, I don't think she'll ever be able to go back to her house again.  Thank God for my dad, her ex-husband, who lives close by, is taking care of the financial affairs.  He visits her weekly and even his girlfriend has come along.  Amazing how open my mom is now to visitors and getting help...

I am doing okay.  I'm not on constant break-down mode.  I do have those moments, especially when I'm alone, where I miss my kids, my mother, etc.  But then I have to remember I didn't lose my kids, they chose to live with their Dad - I had many years with me being the primary sole parent.   I talk to my one daughter every few days.  She was the one that had left first... maybe it just takes a while for that bond to be reestablished.  Heck, the twins will be 18 in a year and a half, going to college, on their own and free to go where they want.  I just have to hang in there.  With my mother I think my crying is because I am relieved that she is doing better and we're not on "death alert".  

I feel like my brain is back in work mode again.  My boss had told me just to focus on customer service, not sales, because I was barely hanging in there and sorta "spacey".  I agreed with him, it was hard to hear, but it was true.  This week I made a few sales and I'm more focused now.  

Wasn't sure how I'd feel during Halloween with no kids around.  I did okay.  We barely had any trick or treaters (I think because our community is still on high alert even after Jessica Ridgeway's killer turned himself in).  Just this morning in my neighborhood there was another attempted child abduction.  

Told the b/f I don't care about Thanksgiving - we can even just skip it.  Not sure about Christmas - may visit his family in Ohio/PA.  

I am now a wine drinker!  Dad's g/f had given me some when I was out there during the mom crisis.  Was pretty good.  I've purchased my 3rd bottle.  A little wine at night, some cheese & crackers and I'm relaxed.  I need to eat better.  I could live on snack foods 24/7.  With no kids at home the fridge is practically empty and I have no desire to cook (okay, I have never desired to cook just had to before).

Been working on my art... this weekend will go to home depot and see if I can buy some sheet metal to use as a frame around the pieces...

Allan Almost Gastric Bypass FMT

DAY 294 TUESDAY OCTOBER 2, 2012 MORE

Let's call it FMT, or Friend making Tuesday. As an exercise, post these questions on your blogs, answer them, and comment here that you have done so. We can all learn just a little bit more about each other...

1) I am how many years old, weigh this much, and aspire to weigh this much....


43, 145 (I think), ummmmmmmmm 120?  Really, I don't care... I'm good where I'm at for now.

2) I am following a great plan, and this is what I do....

no plan, except I've pretty much stuck to no soda during the week and am attempting to lower carbs

3) When faced with a decision of whether to eat something in moderation or abstain, I choose to....


moderation

4) I am employed as this, or I am not working but used to be this...


customer service/sales

5) I have pets, and they are, named...

.2 guinea pigs and 1 hermit crab - anyone live in Colorado and want them?!?!

6) My favorite snack food is.... and I can eat this many of them....


cheese - still in moderation

7) I blog because......


I needed to free up space in my head


Thanks and get cracking...

is mom on the upswing?

May be lookin' like it... I am anxious to get out to CA on Thursday and see her!

This weekend I took a break and did not call the hospital.  Friends have been updating me through email on their visits with Mom...

BF and I went to manitou springs on Saturday for a fab lunch at PJ's Bistro and played arcade games and just walked around.  The leaves are turning so really everywhere in Colorado it's gorgeous.  We went to Seven Falls (my idea... bad idea).  Afraid of heights and I'm thinking it's a GREAT idea to climb up to 300 steps to the top of a waterfall?!  Yeah, I got to step 15, heart racing, hands shaking and came back down.  Total fail.  Total waste of $20. 

Sunday was spent cleaning.  Watched the bronco game - the ENTIRE game.  Didn't doze off once.  

mom's progress

Still at hospital.  I fly back again next Thursday when she'll be moved into a nursing home.  This last month has been the hardest time in my entire life.  At one point I was surprised I could still function (even if barely).

Saw a therapist twice and he gave me the book

A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life's Purpose

by Eckhart Tolle.  If anything has saved my sanity it's been this book (and of course my therapist)

http://closeinhealing.com/

mom

My mother, who lives in California, who unfortunately I am not super close with, had 2 small strokes last week.  Thought she was improving but now it's taken a turn for the worse.  I fly out to CA tomorrow morning.  Stomach is in knots.  My dad, her ex, went to see her yesterday.  She's like a skeleton, not eating, not really communicating or understanding what's going on.  I am it for family - there is no one else.  I don't know if she has any directives, a will - any info regarding her financial affairs and what to do to take care of them.

I am trying NOT to panic.  Not panicking is not my strong point.  It was hard enough to handle when my daughter left, and now... THIS.