Wednesday, November 28, 2012

i refuse to do it anymore

I've been doing it for over 20 years.  I AM DONE. 

Why do you want to live with guilt? It does not serve any purpose at all except to make you miserable. Can you see that your mind becomes your true enemy in that it keeps reinforcing feelings of guilt about things you did in the past.

You can use these simple pointers to stop the mind from victimizing you through guilt

Past does not define your present – If you are willing to be really honest you will see that past is just memory. You reinforce it by thinking about it in your present. What you are now is not what you were in the past. In reality you are a different person everyday and every moment. Guilt can only arise when you associate with who you were in the past.

“Wrong” is only an idea – In truth there is nothing right or wrong. Everything is just a manifestation in this world of form. Circumstances are neutral until the mind labels it. You can simply ignore your mind when it tries to make you feel guilty. Know that your mind is just a computer that is running a conditioned script. Stop having a guilty conscience by knowing that it’s only an idea of the mind.

“Forgive them for they know not what they do” – A beautiful pointer given by Jesus which can be applied to our lives. All our actions are mostly unconsciously driven by instinct or impulse. Can we forgive ourselves for being unconscious? Of course, there is nothing personal about human unconsciousness. Life is forever forgiving.

You can learn without feeling guilty – So you did something “wrong”, does it serve any purpose to punish yourself continuously for it? Why not just use the experience to become more mature. Everything in life is an opening towards growth. Embrace the message that your guilt brings you but don’t associate with the feeling.

Stop believing in beliefs – Guilt can easily provide an opportunity for growth. Look deep within to realize the dysfunctional belief or thought that causes you to feel guilty and be open enough to see through its silliness. All beliefs are ultimately silly.

Guilt can also help us become more righteous and virtuous as long as we are not deluding ourselves. The greatest virtue is to stay true to our heart and not to our mind. But forgive yourself first before you hope to learn something from the experience. Your heart is always willing to forgive, it’s the mind that always places the blame game.

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

day 2 of mini-morning-workout

Arms are sore. Back sorta sore.

I couldn't keep making excuses as to why I couldn't do a 10 to 15 minute workout in the morning.  At least get started with it.  Do SOMETHING.  And when I'm sore I want to do more.  This will have to be a daily thing.

Friday, November 2, 2012


Mom is better - 3 full meals a day, walking with a walker, working out at the gym in the nursing home.  Eventually it looks like she'll go to an assisted living place.  She has friends visiting her and I send a fax every couple of days to her.  Her memory is not all there - this is the sad part, I don't think she'll ever be able to go back to her house again.  Thank God for my dad, her ex-husband, who lives close by, is taking care of the financial affairs.  He visits her weekly and even his girlfriend has come along.  Amazing how open my mom is now to visitors and getting help...

I am doing okay.  I'm not on constant break-down mode.  I do have those moments, especially when I'm alone, where I miss my kids, my mother, etc.  But then I have to remember I didn't lose my kids, they chose to live with their Dad - I had many years with me being the primary sole parent.   I talk to my one daughter every few days.  She was the one that had left first... maybe it just takes a while for that bond to be reestablished.  Heck, the twins will be 18 in a year and a half, going to college, on their own and free to go where they want.  I just have to hang in there.  With my mother I think my crying is because I am relieved that she is doing better and we're not on "death alert".  

I feel like my brain is back in work mode again.  My boss had told me just to focus on customer service, not sales, because I was barely hanging in there and sorta "spacey".  I agreed with him, it was hard to hear, but it was true.  This week I made a few sales and I'm more focused now.  

Wasn't sure how I'd feel during Halloween with no kids around.  I did okay.  We barely had any trick or treaters (I think because our community is still on high alert even after Jessica Ridgeway's killer turned himself in).  Just this morning in my neighborhood there was another attempted child abduction.  

Told the b/f I don't care about Thanksgiving - we can even just skip it.  Not sure about Christmas - may visit his family in Ohio/PA.  

I am now a wine drinker!  Dad's g/f had given me some when I was out there during the mom crisis.  Was pretty good.  I've purchased my 3rd bottle.  A little wine at night, some cheese & crackers and I'm relaxed.  I need to eat better.  I could live on snack foods 24/7.  With no kids at home the fridge is practically empty and I have no desire to cook (okay, I have never desired to cook just had to before).

Been working on my art... this weekend will go to home depot and see if I can buy some sheet metal to use as a frame around the pieces...