Friday, December 31, 2010

1 1/2 hours for what again?

Drove 1 1/2 hours this morning through snow & ice to get to work, to work a full 3 hours... uhhhh was it worth it???! Except the boss is paying me for a full 8 hours - gotta take what I can get at this point.

The ice on the ground scares the crap outta me. I hate driving on it, I hate WALKING on it. We're supposed to be at a whopping 14 degrees today.

We were invited to a new year's party tonight, but I'd have to drive another 1 1/2 hours home, then back again in the same area to attend - teenager is still sick - knowing us we'll just stay home. I'm interested to see how many people will be in downtown Denver tonight for the free fireworks show - I'd go, but not in this cold!

Happy new year everyone...

Thursday, December 30, 2010

sick sick sick

B/F still mildly sick, teenager sick sick. I refuse to get sick.

Haven't heard from the youngest since I told her she could live with dad. Typical. They must be throwing one helluva party out there. Talked to her teenage sister out there - asked are you excited about your little sister living with you? "uh I guess so". Little sister's facebook account was closed down because she was showing pics of her with her new pocketknife she got for Christmas. AWESOME. Before she left our house for WA she was stabbing things with a knife in her room. Can't even wrap my head around it.

So now I will have another empty room in the house. When the teenage twin left to live with Dad I turned her room into the craft room. Now the youngest has left I guess that will be the craft room and the original craft room will be a guest room. It's all too weird. I have to do something with it otherwise I'll just cry walking past it every night.

As you know B/F and brother are in the housepainting business. Their boss told them last week try to find another job because I have no work for you. NO PROBLEM! Especially in the middle of winter - should be a snap! *rolling eyes*.

You'd think I'd be stressing with all that happened this week. Okay, I am. But I feel like I'm on autopilot - like I took 2 advil PM's but I'm trying to stay awake. Is this the f'd up way I'm dealing with it?

I need spring. I need volleyball.

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

it's not the end, even though it feels like it is

I have "given in" and am letting the youngest live with her Dad in another state. She has been wanting this for the past couple of years. I am hurting and sad and another piece of my heart is broken. I cried enough tears over this last night and today I'm just dead inside. It feels like he has "won" again. But I can't compete with having a free place to live, with ample spending money and a little girl wanting her Daddy... so now he'll have the youngest out there and the teenage twin. I will have them summers and every other Christmas and Spring Break I suppose.

So that leaves one teenager at my home now, who has written off her father completely.

This is not the end, this is not the end...

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

new pics - I figured out the camera, finally!

A sampling of what I've been working on...

Monday, December 27, 2010

back to posting...

Wow, a whole month - where have I been? Oh yeah, doing too much...

At work today - boss and wife out of town until Thursday. Eating popcorn and drinking water for lunch. All the "food" we have in the snack room is over processed crap - I can't handle eating it (boss eats it) and yet I'm too lazy to go get lunch so popcorn it is. Hopefully no one comes into the office today - I'm wearing jeans, a hoodie and my crocs (in 40 degree weather) - super professional huh?

The ornament thing has been going well. I sold almost 35 so far. Will have repeat-yearly orders from some other agents down the hall. Sent ornaments to all family and friends for Christmas this year (all I could afford to do). Everyone loved them - whew!

I forgot that we had an old camera (and the flash works) however I can't find the cord that will upload the pics to the computer - that's on my list to do tonight...

Christmas was spent at the b/f's brother's house for a few hours - nice to meet his wife's family. They were all super nice. At around 3 pm we came home to open gifts. Only 1 teenager at home with us. The 10 year old flew to her Dad's, the other twin teenager I couldn't afford to fly out. B/F woke up sick Christmas day - he just spoke to his brother - the whole entire family is sick. What the heck?

Get this, the teenager's dad didn't send her a gift or even CALL her on Christmas. Really? Granted, this kid has given you a lot of grief, but how old are you? 5? Is this your revenge? F you. What a shitty thing to do.

When I took the 10 year old to the airport they kept asking what year she was born... well the ex put in 1998 instead of 2000 when ordering the tickets online so he could avoid the $50 unaccompanied minor fee. So guess who had to pay for it - OF COURSE ME. As usual. "oh, I put in 1998?" - it's not like 2000 vs 1998 is just a TYPO. Do you think anyone believes you just accidently screwed up? again? and again?

I was ready to take down ALL the Christmas stuff that night, but I waited until Sunday. I couldn't stand it any longer. It's so frickin' crowded with all that crap out. Now it's all boxed up, including the garland and lights outside. I literally just ripped it down.

Hope everyone enjoyed their holiday... :)

Monday, November 29, 2010

Broncos game

Bronco game yesterday - what fun! My first pro game... yes, we lost - but it was great and FREEZING. Stayed until the very end... I was actually amazed that some of the bronco fans were BOOING our team - I realized we have sucked and the whole thing regarding the taped practice film, etc., but really? Booing your own team? I would NEVER do that... after years and years of being a UCLA ticket holder when we lived in CA I never onced booed our team.
I need to buy a new camera. I cannot get a picture up close of the beads and wiring. *sigh* Looks like I will have my first order of 20 though! I still haven't figured out what to charge... that will be reasonable...
I did experiement with new dough "designs" this weekend (besides making more apples & pears) - added oranges, surfboards, wreathes, hearts and some penguins!

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

better but still fuzzy

I guess I need a new camera - when I tried to do up close shots you couldn't see the bead/wire work - was too fuzzy... *sigh* and the bead/wire work is what makes them pretty awesome!

Monday, November 22, 2010

more ornaments

Geez, what a crappy picture... 10 year old took this one with her cell phone, BUT as you can see I'm turnin' out the ornaments. I will have to take some good close up shots. The 10 year old and I spent 2 hours just reorganizing the craft room so I have everything in place. Now I just need to get a really good lamp.
Boss surprised me with a "turkey bonus" on Friday which made me cry. I finally had some extra $ in my pocket so all of us went out to dinner Friday night. We felt like REAL people! Went to Lone Star Steakhouse - I splurged and got a small steak, salmon, potato, creamed spinach and a sam adams. I literally ate only 1/4 of my meal...
10 year old got her ears pierced, teenager got a nose piercing (it actually looks really good on her) and I got a few shirts and super warm zip-up hoodie from Sam's club. Did all our Thanksgiving shopping (first year ever I didn't have to stress about how much $ I was spending). Yesterday untangled all the xmas lights, hung up the garland and lights outside. Had to do it this weekend since we're supposed to dip in the 30's this week for Thanksgiving.
I'm just happy I only have 3 days of work this week and hopin' it goes by fast! Looking forward to having a whole 4 days with the kids and b/f :) Hopefully we'll have the teenager's room painted this weekend (hot pink & gray - oh boy). Gotta convince the b/f that it'll be the perfect time to do it.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

don't want to be here

One of those days where I can't stand being at work - I want to be home working on those damn ornaments. I spent 2 hours on them last night, just painting & glazing. In my mind I'm thinking I need to get hundreds done like I'm going to be doing craft shows this year - really nothing will happen until NEXT year, so I need to stop panicking. The craft room itself is a disaster and totally disfunctional - this weekend I will have to rearrange it again and get a system going. I need to be able to reach and grab everything within a sitting down distance - and put the ones up to dry within a reachable distance too. It's taking longer than I thought to get them done. I really need to time myself to help me figure out what to charge for each one (besides the cost of materials). Tonight I'll head over to Hobby Lobby for ribbon and beads to go with the pumpkins. I want to at least get some down for Thanksgiving for local friends (maybe people that will order them in the future?! - I'm trying to set myself up here).

I didn't even realize after a couple of hours sitting there that my stomach was growling - 10 year old came in, "mom do you want a sandwich?" YES! Thanks for lookin' out for Mom...

Also been trying to think of a catchy business name and so far they all suck.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

hang a penis

So last night after my rough morning at court, then to work, then finally home I started working with a new batch of dough. I made a twirly sun, some flowers, and finally an octopus, after putting the top of the octopus on and pushing a hole through it down the middle with a toothpick I realized it looked like a penis. Damn, I should make a penis ornament. Okay, that won't work for Christmas however I thought about the decorative tags to hang around a wine glass stem and making little, or ummm big, penises would be cute for bachelorette parties...

Monday, November 15, 2010


Okay, these are the first experimental ones I did (teenager took a pic with her cell phone - realizing now you can't really see the bead work)...

We took these over to my brother in law's house (not really my official BIL) - his wife had some great ideas. Make "garland" to go around candles, little ones to attach to the bottom of wine glasses, napkin rings, etc. She wants a bunch of pumpkin ones for Thanksgiving. So yesterday I spent 2 hours molding about 20 pumpkins, then apples, then pears...

I also bought more wire, different colors. Going to use smaller ribbon too - that ribbon with the pumpkins above is way too big. I will have to take some close-up pics...

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

first set

I finished the first set of ornaments - I molded miniature pieces of fruit/veggies from dough, let them dry, painted them, glazed them, wrapped them and held them together with copper wire and beads... and holy crap they look awesome! And they look realistic (pumpkins, pears and apples). I rock.

At first I thought my idea was gonna be a disaster but I was surprised. Heck, even the b/f was impressed. They are artsy and funky. I think the bigger ones I may add some wired ribbon so they won't just be "ornaments" for a tree, you could hang them anymore. I will have to take pics and get them posted.

I am still in shock from the range rover being repo'd. I went to bed at 8 pm last night. I guess my body did a complete switch and decided it needed to knock itself out when stressed. Tonight we are picking up a free POS van from the b/f's buddy - it was their "painting van" and it's trashed, but hey, at least the b/f can use it to get to work (housepainting jobs). They call it "the pickle" because it's an ugly green as I said, a piece of shit. But it's free. It needs a new windshield but I'm hoping I can get a good deal from one of our glass shops sales reps... *crossing fingers*.

We had our first light snow last night. I am not ready for winter! It's supposed to be 35 tomorrow.

Alright, back to work.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

2 mice

Two mice fell into a bowl of cream. The first mouse gave up and died right away. The second mouse fought and swam until he churned that cream into butter and he crawled his way out. I am that second mouse. - Catch Me If You Can

Range Rover repo'd last night.



Monday, November 8, 2010

I'm chill

Friday night I was feeling icky and nauseous AGAIN... JHC. I got out the dried dough, my paints, etc... started working on them. Hmmmm I started feeling better. The B/F bought me copper wire & polyurethane so I was then able to coat them and start working with the wire and beads. I RELAXED. I have found my substitute for vball and tennis for the time being. I was a little bummed that I didn't have more dried pieces to work on. So I made a bunch and hopefully by tonight I can start working on the smaller pieces that may have dried by now.

Sunday was free Denver zoo day and everyone who lived in CO was there. Another JHC. Went to bass pro shops after, and then to a diner for some grub. A nice family day. Perfect!

Friday, November 5, 2010

this week

What is up with this week? Work is nonstop busy - yesterday I almost cried, if I have to speak to customers for 2 hours nonstop one after another with no break and problem after problem I start to feel myself LOSIN' IT. I don't know... I'm just not right this week. I have nonstop heartburn at home, my stomach feels yucky, ugh. I don't think I'm sick, I don't know what I am. B/F didn't work this week - maybe that's part of the stress? Got my first half of rent covered regardless... I put in 48 hours of work this week - maybe that was too much. His boss has invested $2K in advertising and supposedly the phone is ringing off the hook with bids he needs to do - so I'm hoping this means work will start coming in for the b/f and his brother. Winter is always iffy work-wise. B/F's brother and his wife are having a baby next week (inducing still as far as I know) so I can't imagine their stress... and happiness... all rolled into one.

Last night even though I felt yucky and just wanted to curl up and go to sleep I start painting the dough pieces that had dried (for ornaments)... with ONE TINY brush - where the hell are all my brushes? Need to buy more and some polyurethane (spelling?)/gloss this weekend.

All by myself today - boss's wife's father passed away so they flew out to Arizona for the funeral. Should be a semi-quiet day.

Last night I made oatmeal - saved some for breakfast this morning and have been drinking hot tea at work...

Sunday is a free zoo day - the first one we've had a in a long time where it won't be snowing! I love the zoo - we've been there a million times but I like seeing the animals and talking to them (yes, I'm one of those people) and being outside... Will take the teenager and 10 yr old.

Alright, phones are ringin' *sigh* Ugh, and a sales rep just showed up. I don't want to talk to people today! go away ;)

Monday, November 1, 2010

typical monday

as usual...

Halloween was crazy - tons of trick or treaters, in fact, I ran out of candy - zoomed over to Walgreen's to buy more. What time do you typically stop giving out candy??? We kept going until 10 pm - my boss stopped at 7:30. I don't look forward to taking all the decorations down this weekend.

Phones are ringing off the hook - bah! gotta go...

Friday, October 29, 2010

open faced toasted sandwich

My favorite thing to eat at home - last night - sourdough bread, avocado, tomato, red onion and melted cheese... and fruit (I think it was a nectarine but not positive - who cares, it was good). Kids and I watched a couple of episodes of Jackass - their first time. Teenager kept covering her eyes, 10 year old was into (I could see her trying a bunch of the stunts).

3 hours to go! Leaving a hour early today - 10 year old's fall/halloween festival thing (I hate going, but she likes it). They'll serve pizza soda and a cookie - gross.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Fifty questions

stole from

1. What time did you get up this morning? 6:10 am

2. How do you like your steak? medium rare

3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? Devil - b/f's choice, I kicked him after

4. What is your favorite TV show? Hell's Kitchen, Glee, Gray's & Hoarders

5. If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be??? Love it here, but miss the beach, can I do both?

6. What did you have for breakfast? grape nuts

7. What is your favorite cuisine? german

8. What foods do you dislike? green peppers & liver

9. Favorite Place to Eat? Cafe Berlin

10. Favorite dressing? poppyseed at the moment...

11. What kind of vehicle do you drive? Isuzu Rodeo

12. What are your favorite clothes? shorts or yoga pants and tank top

13. What is your favorite number? 8 (you can make a snowman out of it!)

15. Where would you want to retire? retire... HA HA HA... sure....

16. Favorite time of day? 10 am, at home

17. Where were you born? Long Beach, CA

18. What is your favorite sport to watch? volleyball

19. How many siblings? none

20. Favorite pastime/hobby? volleyball, tennis and crafty stuff... and sex

22. Bird watcher? ummm if there is a bird in front of me?

23. Are you a morning person or a night person? middle of the day person

24. Do you have any pets? hermit crab, bearded dragon, 2 fish & 2 guinea pigs

25. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share? no

26. What did you want to be when you were little? a singer or a professional ping pong player

27. What is your best childhood memory? going to the beach with friends

28. Are you a cat or dog person? either, i don't care, as long as they stay in a cage. j/k sorta

29. Are you married? no (SORE SUBJECT!) - 6 years living with b/f

30. Always wear your seat belt? duh

31. Been in a car accident? yes

32. Any pet peeves? belching

33. Favorite Pizza Toppings? olives, sausage, mushrooms

34. Favorite Flower? hmmm wild flowers? anything but roses

35. Favorite ice cream? Ben&Jerry's Cherry Garcia

36. Favorite fast food restaurant? in-n-out

37. How many times did you fail your driver's test? never

38. From whom did you get your last email? a customer

39. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card? pier 1

40. Do anything spontaneous lately? will get back to you on that one

41. Like your job? for the first 2 hours

42. Broccoli? good

43. What was your favorite vacation? they're all about the same...

44. Last person you went out to dinner with? b/f, but I don't remember when (sad!)

45. What are you listening to right now? talk radio

46. What is your favorite color? blue

47. How many tattoos do you have? nada

49. What time did you finish this quiz? 4:46 pm

50. Coffee Drinker? every other day

pumpkins replaced

Work was too busy this week (still is) for posting here... I don't hop on the computer at home since I'm sick of working on it during the day.

Last night teenager and I made shrimp with avocado salad and some pizza rolls on the side - not enough salad for her, me and B/F so we threw the pizza rolls in there - I had 4. I love them. Therefore, only 4! Salad was awesome (mom, why don't we eat more shrimp? uhhh cause you used to hate them until about a year ago).

Did I mention our pumpkins were stolen? maybe that was Facebook... that's what happens when you live in the hood I guess - couldn't afford to buy more but my boss was nice enough to bring 2 large pumpkins, 2 small ones, and a huge garbage bag of hay to work today - what a great surprise this morning! His church is selling them so he must of jacked some for me (does a churchgoer do that?!). He said the hay was for my "artistic ability" - I've been wanting hay for a LONG time to decorate with - awesome!

Teenager had another career day thingy Monday night - had a great time since it was basically the same people as the week before and the cute guy again. Did she LEARN anything? are you kidding???!

10 year old went to a pumpkin carving party last night with a friend - friend's mom didn't bring her home until 10 pm (sheesh!) - she got 3rd place and has a pretty cool pumpkin... with a bat carved out.

This weekend - finish up the decorations (half of them blew down - stupid Colorado wind), get candy, get supplies for new business, etc.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

eat, don't work!

I eat when I don't want to work - I spent a hour yesterday munching on pretzels and cheese and reading blogs after my boss left because I didn't want to work (okay I took phone calls and stuff but that doesn't really count).

I don't think this is gonna fly at a new job.

I learned for the first time, after 9 years of being here, how to refill the water dispenser. lol but did I actually do it? NO! My boss explained HOW to do it...

This weekend we have to get the emissions tests done on our 2 vehicles. Next Friday, last day of the grace period, we have to register them. Yep, always wait until the VERY LAST DAY. With everything. All my bills. Fun.

I'm dreading cold weather. It's nippy in the morning but I'm still wearing sandals every day, even with these pasty white legs. On the weekends if it's cold I'll wear my flip flops (crocs) and wear socks with them. I decided this was a CA thing (socks and flips) but now seeing more and more people here in CO doing it (or is it just my imagination???). Nice white clean ankle socks I may add...

All repeats this week - what is going on? No Glee, Hell's Kitchen, probably no Gray's tonight - arrrgghhh! I gave up and went to bed at 8:30 last night...

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

moms cannot do it all

EVER. NEVER EVER EVER. just remember that...

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

thank you Christina...

From Christina at :)

Yeah, I have no idea how to just post someone's name and link to their blog... I'm definitely not the TECHY guru like the B/F is.

7 things about myself (wait, are these supposed to be NEW things?!?!)

1) I dropped out of high school 3 months before graduation, got my GED in 2 1/2 hours and then moved out to a duplex in Huntington Beach 3 blocks from the beach (heaven!) - went to community college for a semester and dropped out of that too. Thought my life was full with just working and playing volleyball... never thought about the future. Funny, both my parents have college degrees - I look back and wonder why they didn't push me, or HELP me towards that goal. Oh well... now I have paid the price.

2) Okay, #1 was too long - let's get to the point. Even though I'm self confident NOW I still doubt myself, secretly, since I was in a 15 year marriage from HELL - if I was so smart and confident back then, in the beginning, why did I stay in it? What if I'm stupid AGAIN and don't realize it?

3) I have no tattoos - I'm too chicken. At 40 I was going to get one, now I guess I'll try again when I turn 50.

4) Weekly I freak out about finances and have mild panic attacks. To medicate myself I'll take an advil PM. So for 20 years I've been having financial panic attacks. Everything always works out, but I always stress. I'm sick of it.

5) I'm scared to be alone once my parents die. I'm an only child.

6) One boob is lower than the other - but I think that's normal. I always forget which boob it is.

7) I'm pretty good at communicating with those that have passed - however previously it was been so DEAD ON that I spooked myself a little... I have quit trying to communicate.

I don't post about religion, politics, SCIENCE, etc

because I don't know enough.

Teenager had her career workshop thing last night in downtown Denver. She was the only freshman there, everyone else was a senior. It was at an interior design place - she felt like she didn't know enough (join the club!) and when making a presentation about the room she designed she was a little embarrassed. She volunteered to the be the first one, and when asked why she picked the colors and design for the "couple" she was assigned (an "older" couple) she said uhhh I picked the colors because I LIKED the colors and old people get cold so I added a fireplace. LOL. That explains it in a nutshell! I guess the seniors were more descriptive than her, but she's only 14, we gotta give her a break. A boy in the group (she wanted to get his phone number - good grief! sounds like her mother) designed a room for a younger couple - he chose red walls and a king side bed since younger couples are basically going to have a lot of sex.

While waiting for her outside (at 8 pm) some crazy homeless guy was pushing his grocery cart singing and preaching. It scared the hell out of my 10 year old - me a little too... eventually the security/door man guy from the building across the way came out and told the homeless guy to move along. Gotta love downtown...

Saturday was chore day. Sunday all of us went to downtown Boulder to walk around and get Christmas ideas... okay, I wanted to get ideas on what I wanted for Christmas. We then had lunch and went to Colorado Mills and walked around. None of us wanted to be home. I think we're sick of being at home again - man, just wait for winter... we'll drive each other crazy!

One of my favorite local places to visit: themed room after themed room...

Monday, October 18, 2010

water, poop & power outages

Drank a lot of water over the weekend, pooped a lot (whew!) (and uhh PHEW!)... power outages at work today - computer up and down - too busy to post more.


Friday, October 15, 2010

lack of water

I really only drink it when playing sports, otherwise it's only a few times per week. I have been feeling shitty the last 3 weeks right? I can't shit, when I do, it's rocks, it hurts, I'm lethargic, my body aches, etc... When was my volleyball tournament? Over 3 weeks now?

I feel nauseous today at work - I decided to take my break and go to the bank to deposit my paycheck. I see an empty water bottle rolling around the passenger seat floorboard... oh WATER! Hey Buddy! Haven't seen you in a LONG time! (note: clean out car this weekend).

So I've got that water bottle refilled sitting on my desk, DRINKING IT.

I feel stupid.

I'm going to do it

I'll stay in insurance and fake being gung-ho about it... but I'm going to start something on the side - to nourish my creative side and hopefully make some money at it. My father's aeronautical engineering voice is saying BE RESPONSIBLE!, my mother's hippy (google hippy vs hippie - I couldn't decide...) voice is saying DO SOMETHING FUN AND ARTSY! I'll merge the two.

I have the b/f's full support, in fact, it was his idea...

Thursday, October 14, 2010

chinese food

We have it every week - my boss orders it for us. He's had cashew chicken every week for 9 years. Good grief. It's really hard to order stuff that isn't covered in pounds of sauce. Of course my lunch lasts me for 3 days... the amount of food they give you is insane. Today I ordered chicken, snow peas, carrots and I think water chestnuts... and rice. Plain and boring. I'll eat more of it tomorrow and then take a leap and eat the rest on Monday. So far I haven't died eating chinese food 4 days later.

10 year old daughter is with my boss's wife today. She's an incredible seamstress so they're going to make a vampire cape for Halloween. She's like a second mom to me (my mother sews too - lives in CA, sucks not being near her).

I have said F it to my hair. I'm sick of blow drying it and styling it. The last 2 days I used some hair mousse stuff and scrunched it and let it dry naturally. It's wavy - kinda cute - well kinda outta control. Something different at least. Per the b/f, "what the hell happened to your hair???". Damn it's not like freshly f'd hair, it's just wavy!!!!!!!!!!!

I miss watching the miners. I watched Hells Kitchen last night - the drama was nothing compared to the miners...

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

coke, in a glass & miners & prego porn

Why is it when I see a soda in a glass of ice on TV that I want it so bad - that is must taste like a million bucks? Does it sparkle more? Is it editing or whatever the hell they do to make it look better? Maybe cause it's in HD? I could have a coke right in front of me, freshly poured over huge ice cubes in a clean tall glass and yet I want the one on TV. That one MUST taste better. Kinda like porn. Just kidding.

Speaking of porn - anyone ever seen one with pregnant women? B/F once got a 3 for 1 deal of DVD's - you know they always throw one in you'd never watch... (pregnant women, men doing goats, etc) - well of course I had to watch part of it (he's saying he never did but I know we did together). Pregnant women are BEAUTIFUL, but seeing one get fucked on screen is disturbing. I can't even place a finger on WHY. I kept telling myself I should enjoy SOME part of it, but I couldn't. I wonder if we still have it - I'm sure we do. I think throwing away porn is sacrilegious in some cultures. At least pass it on to someone else.

I've had CNN on all day. I just posted on facebook I'll be watching this at work and at home until the last miner is out - which shoot, should be soon! They just loaded up the 28th miner...

not a lot of time to post - boring ass meeting

Had to go to a meeting at the state office today - how boring can insurance possibly be? I wanted to puncture my own eye with a pen sitting there, or slit my throat, or punch someone at my table - the most commotion I made was my stomach grumbling out loud - I thought for sure they'd have some food there. I don't know if I can still do this as a career... really... I also hated walking in and only about 10% of the group were women.

Finally got the boss to get on CNN and watch the miners rescue - now he's glued and not working. lol - sounds familiar!

*** added: I've been doing insurance for 15 years, so I guess I meant to say CONTINUE to do this as a career... UGH.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010


Shit! Is anyone watching CNN? I'm watching from work - I don't know when to leave to go home - I don't want to miss anything! Will take me at least one hour to get home... arrggghhh! 7 pm ET, that's 2 hours ahead of uhh Colorado time right?! lol


Which I should technically give back to Allan. Maybe I misrepresented myself, maybe he can't read or he thinks I should drop a few pounds.

Whatever you do don't copy my diet today - toast with jam, milk, dr p, doritos, leftover chicken and an ice cream from McD's. I always complain about shitting rocks yet look at what I'm eating today.

I miss vball like you don't even know. I miss tennis. *sigh* I think this is part of my funk/depression right now.

Last night we drove downtown for the teenager's thing - well it's NEXT week. She wanted to cruise the hood and look for gangbangers however I felt we saw enough homeless people and at least SOME hoodlums so we headed home.

B/F and I were discussing his friend's recent breakup. He talked to his friend about us and said something about me being his soulmate. I did not change the expression on my face but kept listening. I was FLOORED. I'm his soulmate?! I wanted to cry, in a good way. However he also told his friend even if you think someone is your soulmate there are still OTHER potential soulmates out there - I totally agree. For other people, not him. lol

Back to the weight. I don't want to change my weight. But I would eventually like to have a better build, muscles - I would like to be STRONGER when I hit a ball, I would like to FEEL like I could kick some ass if needed.

Monday, October 11, 2010

going home and staying home

After work, if I'm not playing a league sport, or getting home and immediately going to play tennis (shit, I can't even remember what playing tennis IS anymore), I want to STAY home. Take my 2nd quick shower of the day, put my PJ's on and not leave. The kids know if I have to take them somewhere they need to be standing in the driveway WAITING because if mom gets outta the car she's not getting back in again...

Tonight is the first of 2 career classes my 14 year old teenager has. Basically you signed up for job fields you are interested in and then you are matched up to owners/businesses and you visit their company for 2 hours to learn about it, what degree you have to have, you do a "project" so you can get the feel of it, etc. We had to pay $10 per "class" - WTF. Both of the fields she signed up for are in downtown Denver. Ugh, downtown, at night - NOT where I want to be. Downtown is probably 15 minutes from my house, with traffic, double that. So 1 hour to get home, get the kid, drive 30 minutes back downtown - do I drop her off? that doesn't feel safe... do I stay there in the parking lot for 2 hours? - do I keep driving back and forth? I know this will make me cranky, going home, then leaving, then coming back, then leaving again, and again and AGAIN! I just don't wanna do it. We have another one next Monday too... I will have to leave work early each time.

I'm supposed to have a parent/teacher conference this Friday for the 10 year old. I wrote on it please schedule me early morning or after 5 pm. She scheduled me at 3 pm which means I would have to leave work at 2 pm. I can't afford losing 3 hours of my paycheck so I wrote the teacher back - can't do it... please reschedule. I guess if you don't live paycheck to paycheck it's not a big deal, but I'm struggling here... if I have pick between work and sitting in a class for 10 minutes I'll pick work. Most of the teachers I've dealt with eventually we just talk over the phone for conferences... however this is a new year, new grade.

Today - Diet Dr Pepper and doritos. This was my main staple back in High School. And lunch at Carl's Jr - how did I handle eating that every day? Oh yeah, I was 16 and playing vball religiously. Crazy to think about it.

I hate customers. I'm so sick of dealing with people. I don't know what I'm going to do about a new job once my boss retires. I CAN NOT work with customers again. I dread coming into work every day - unless there's a guarantee the phone won't ring. What the hell am I gonna do...

weekend update

Got my $20 back Saturday night, after her kid had already spent the night at my house Friday night and stayed ALL day Saturday. Kids never know when to leave...

Weather sucked. Rain all day Sunday and cold. Did errands most of the time and hung out and watched movies at home.

Hair turned out okay - 2 inches cut off, layered - stripped the red lowlights out, deep conditioning treatment, roots done, now all blonde, TOO much blonde - will have to add some brown lowlights back in next time. I spent THREE hours there, and bless my hairdresser she still only charged me for basically one hour.

Lots of anxiety still. Hate it. I need to mellow the f*ck out...

Friday, October 8, 2010

almost forgot to post

Still haven't received the remaining $20 from that mom. The b/f didn't even have to say I told you so.

I still feel icky - like ALL over. I'm chalking it up to stress and sitting on my ass all day.

The hair appointment is tomorrow.

Boss out of the office today - his wife brought in a small warming pot thing (not a slow cooker, I don't know what it is) with homemade tomato soup so I've been having that ALL day - fab.

I gotta get out and excercise. I want to beat someone's ass - at SOMETHING. All the things I like have fallen by the wayside since I jacked up my back after that tournament. Daily tennis, working on my puzzle (seriously!), reading, crafty stuff... beating my children, ya know the usual. ;)

Thursday, October 7, 2010

20 / 20

Yep, only got $20 from that mom so far, supposed to get the other $20 today.

Printed out 3 pics of hair styles to show the b/f for an opinion. "It's your hair, do what you want to do". Uhhh, can you just tell me out of these 3 which you like the best??? "I don't like the one that looks like 70's hair". Gotcha. And not too short. See, I know what I like, but I'm 41 and feel like I'm still stuck in the 80's and since he's 8 years younger than me I think that maybe he'll know what will look better and more CURRENT. But in the end, as he reinforces it, it's what I LIKE, not what he likes.

He likes video games, rap music, fishing, golfing, tennis and pot.

I like crafts, 80's & country music, fishing (because of him), volleyball, tennis and a beer.

We both like porn and having sex - but seem to not watch enough or do enough - what the hell is up with that?! lol

I worried in the beginning about the age difference and not having a lot in common, but we talked nonstop about, nothing, and everything. It's the silly stupid things we do - and the laughing. THANK GOD FOR THE LAUGHING. I said last night we should start having date night "we don't have $ for that". *sigh* So during Hell's Kitchen we started a game throwing popcorn in each other's mouth from opposite sides of the couch and keeping score. Totally awesome, totally fun, total laughing. Perfect. I never had this with the ex. The laughing has got to be the most important part.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

you've got spots!

I have a hair appointment this Saturday - highlights again and a cut (thank God for a decent commission check so I could set aside money for this). I have no idea what to do with it. I was trying to grow it long but now it just feels thin and limp. As it gets longer it looks less professional. Layers will make it more full but it'll still be long. Do I chop off a few inches? It doesn't matter what I do because once it's done I'll want to do the opposite. Makes me jealous of the b/f - he shaves his head and doesn't have to worry about it...

At 41 it feels like everything is changing. Thin limp hair, age spots on my face from all those years at the beach (trying the lemon juice trick - we'll see where I'm at in a month), wrinkles, a saggy neck - everything that SCREAMS out to me in the morning YOU'RE OLD! but I probably just look normal. I have to remind myself 10 years from now when I look back I'll think I looked great...

definitely feeling better than 33%

Body is still sore. But then again I haven't done anything - no tennis, no nothing.

I have mentioned quite a few times how broke we are. A friend of my daughter's (who is 10), her mom came to pick her up last night, and asked if she could borrow $40 - she just got back from the ER with her son who had strep and couldn't afford the Rx - she would be able to pay me back the next day. You don't know how good it felt to say YES since normally I would never be able to spare $40 - even for a day. Of course the b/f wasn't happy with this since I loaned money to a friend (like 5 years ago!) and was never paid back. Whatever, no biggie, was happy to help. I remember the days when the twins were just babies and my ex and I were so poor I had to borrow $ just to buy a gallon of milk. Once again, puts life in perspective.

I better get my fucking $ today. lol

Enjoyed Glee. God I wish I could sing. I won't sing in front of anyone, not since the day when I was married and my prick of an ex mentioned I had a horrible singing voice. The one fear I can't get over. Okay, I'll kinda sing in the car with my kids, they don't care. But my b/f is a musical guy, he writes, produces & sings his own music, so I'm just paranoid. I don't care about anything else, I don't care about acting stupid, doing lame accents, lame dance moves, but don't ask me to carry a tune. Ugh.

It's only 70 today. Thought it was gonna be in the 80's again so I am not dressed for this weather. A sundress and white heels (yeah yeah, I don't care about still wearing white). Luckily I have a portable heater at work.

I am swamped at work which means I should stop writing on this blog! Later...

Tuesday, October 5, 2010


I realized this past weekend everyone was probably getting sick of my new recipes a.k.a. experiements i.e. what the hell is this shit? (btw, how do you know when to use a.k.a or i.e.? I'll just throw 'em around randomly). So instead I got our main meals from sam's club - yes, everything frozen. Did try a new store though, Sprouts - kinda like Trader Joe's but no alcohol (W.T.F.)... good deals and I liked the open air-i-ness feel of it.

When youngest daughter and I got back she helped me unload and we watched some PBS - Martin Yan I think it was, visiting China - rice paddies - she asked me where is the rice? I said, uhh in the paddy? I have no idea - is it like one "kernal" thing at the bottom that they pull out attached the green weed thing? I haven't googled it yet. How sad that I have no idea how most of our food grows. Does being a former beach girl give me a pass on being stupid? Before I moved to Colorado I never even visited a farm. The only farm I remember is at the orange county swap meet where there was animals and some food growing in the parking lot. lol. jhc. Oh, maybe some orange trees. That counts, kinda.

I need a book on how things grow. FOOD. The rest I got... ;)

getting thru

the day - not a lot of sleep, throwing up this morning (stress probably?) - body aches all over. I thought worrying about my finances was my biggest problem, not realizing it was my teenage daughter. Really put things in perspective quickly. Her father, who lives in another state, wants to fly out to "support her" - support her being a dumbass? Maybe you should support her when she's a good kid and actually LIVE WHERE SHE LIVES and raise her. Nah, easier to just raise one of the kids - forget about the rest of them.

2 hours to go. I can do this. I think I need a bubble bath tonight and then snuggle up with the kids and watch Glee. I'd snuggle up with the b/f but watching Glee for an hour would be torture for him...

Listen to what I ate yesterday (fooling myself that my body could handle it) - quiznos for lunch with a pepsi (granted I only eat half and save the rest for the next day) and then split a combo mexican food meal (with a coke) with my teenager at a little hole in the wall place for dinner. I don't remember having one piece of fruit or a vegie... ugh, I felt gross afterwards.

Is it Friday yet?

Monday, October 4, 2010

I just can't...

I just can't write a post today. When everything you thought you knew VANISHES you can't put it into words. I'm just at a loss...

Friday, October 1, 2010

1 1/2 hours of freedom

Went to lunch with the boss's wife today (boss is out of town) - was really nice, she's like a second mom to me (since my mom is back home in CA). Amazingly we talked about work the whole time (what the heck?!)... at least she got to write lunch off. I will miss the both of them when they retire next year. I have been lucky to have this job for the last 9 years...

This weekend - HS football game tonight, finish halloween decorations, clean out the garage (for the 10th time), maybe some tennis... have to enjoy the weather before we get our "halloween snow" in a few weeks...

Thursday, September 30, 2010

intention was to play tennis

but we didn't, we discussed our future, well our job future, specifically his job future. In his business it's so uncertain, it's great money, if you're working 40 hour work weeks. He wants to start his own business again, but would need a partner, so that brings us back to square one (starting the business previously with his brother was a disaster). Anyway, at least we had a good conversation, right? Tonight it's either tennis or the HS football game...

On the way home last night picked up some purple hair dye for the teenager - it's just spray in and will wash out - I need to try it! I think I'm going to go back to full blonde and use some funky spray in stuff when I get the urge for some color. Of course no one cares about this except ME! Being broke has me struggling how to get my hair done - I refuse to use a box color again and fuck it up... highlights are too expensive so I emailed my hair dresser about just getting one all over color, that's gotta be cheaper since it takes less time... *please let me have a decent commission check so I can get this done! - will know tomorrow*

I am trying to figure out why I started following all these weight loss blogs... (okay and 2 porn blogs) I think in the beginning it was to get healthier receipes for my family. Most of the struggles I started to read about had nothing to do with weight loss, they were the same struggles I go through and now I feel "connected" to these people to see how they are making the differences that need to be made, and maybe I can adopt some of those changes...

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

so far so good

Last night I thought the muscle relaxant wasn't working - I didn't feel any better. Took 2 advil PM and knocked myself out. So far so good today - a little sore, but nothing like yesterday. Mentioned to b/f we should play some light tennis, probably a BAD idea, but I'm sick of sitting on my ass... haven't started missing volleyball yet, but I'm sure that'll happen soon. Hoping that there is an affordable league (and a decent location) that my teammates will find for us for fall/winter. I was moping around a lot last year when I couldn't afford to play at all for 6 months... maybe that's my addiction?!

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

happy place - need it now!

Love the pink hat! I'm not catching anything, yet, but still having fun...

Why do I insist on taking pics AFTER we've played? We're sweaty (okay, not me, I don't sweat, remember that 33% effort thing?) and stinky I'm sure...
Speaking of crap, my camera started to crap out at this point - the flash wasn't working on the v-ball flash and the lighting was too bright for the first one.

I need to go to my happy place right now (my back is killing me), which unfortunately does not include muscle relaxers. 3 places: fishing with the boyfriend, or playing volleyball, or being at the beach...

This will my first time trying to post pics (god help us all)...

if it's my eyes or my back then shoot me

That volleyball tourney was 2 weeks ago, I was sore the next day... haven't played tennis or anything now since then and now I'm in pain. Took 6 advil last night just to get to sleep. The stiffness and pain was unbearable yesterday... do I slowly start to excerise again or what?

*big sigh*

This happens every time after a tournament, funny, I thought was in better shape at this point...

Monday, September 27, 2010

ass ugly. broke ass.

I'm just going to stop looking at it. Better for all involved.

I have been living paycheck to paycheck since I was 18. However at 18 I had no debt. Then I met my ex-husband who told me I needed to establish credit. For what? I lived 3 blocks from the beach in a rental, I was happy, I was fed and had no bills. Jump to 15 years later, he quits/gets fired from job after job. We are always in debt. STRESSED 24/7. Obviously we are not a team if you can't keep a job. Divorced for many reasons. Crawl my way out of destroyed credit.

New b/f last 6 years - his job is in the construction industry. Never know how many hours he will work per week. Always in debt, stressed 24/7. In love. We are a team, we'll figure this shit out.

Friday, September 24, 2010

4000 texts

It's Friday... nice! Let's see if I can be 100% recovered this weekend so I can enjoy SOMETHING. My sore throat won't go away. F you throat.

Last night B/F and I went to Hobby Lobby to walk around a bit - really, I just wanted to check out the fall/halloween stuff. I got excited, a little too excited, my arms stretched out to the sides walking down the aisle ("ahhhhhhhhhhhAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"). Come to me my baby pumpkins, all pretty and sparkly with more beads this year and more designs. I bought nothing. I am PACING myself. Gordman's has some good shit this year, and I'm sure Michael's does too. I think retail departments are realizing how much WE want more fall/halloween decorations. Or just ME. Whatever.

Teenager daughter a.k.a. lindsay lohan a.k.a 80 year old smoker spent the night at a friend's. Bad idea. Lost her voice. At home now drinking tea (hopefully) and NOT TALKING. Is that possible for a teenager? Dad cut her phone off btw, went over the minutes (he had a $600 phone bill)... she's averaging 4000 texts a WEEK. Hopefully she's applying herself at school this well too.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

diseases or deaths in 3's

Good luck must be coming my way soon. I have been through my "ass ivy" (thanks Allan) (which by the way is FINALLY starting to clear up, now I just look like a burn victim with new skin), 3 eye doctor appointments (another one this Saturday) (how pathetic I must look to my pretty eye doctor every time, ass ivy on my legs (good for her I didn't show her my ass last time, but trust me, I mentioned it), old granny glasses on, my roots showing, blowing my nose constantly because of allergies...), and suffering through a cold this week. How attractive I must be to the B/F.

This is IT, right?! I am done, right?! for f's sake...

Teenager had a blast at homecoming, however she ended up with a cold for 3 days and so did her friends. Life lesson when she's 18 and sneaking into clubs and has to recover the next day. I never snuck into clubs at 18, I was too chicken to get a fake ID. So instead I hopped into a cab down in Mexico and rolled to TJ and got my ass slapped by Mexicans while we were walking to clubs. MUCH SAFER. Actually it was, probably not now, but then, during the 80's, it was a blast.

Thursday, September 16, 2010


Poison motherf*ckin' Ivy.

Up to 8 weeks to heal? Are you KIDDING me????

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

B/F's birthday

The rash just IS. Not worse, not better *sigh*.

B/F's birthday today and we're broke *sigh*.

Swamped at work *sigh*.

Back is sore from tournament *sigh*.

Happy with life? ABSOLUTELY. ;)

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

back at work

Rash is better, I think... I don't really know - the one under my ass I lined with PEN so I can see if it's spreading (lovely, eh?).

Busy at work, now tired... catching up on blog reading.

Monday, September 13, 2010

working from home today

Youngest daughter is sick... boss not happy (he's stressed out when I'm not there and his wife gets pissy LOL - oh well!). Didn't realize they would be forwarding some customer calls directly to my number at home, so of course I wasn't answering any of them.

Volleyball tourney yesterday was okay. We had a 6 team pool - getting ready to play team #5 and one of our guys says he's gotta go, for the day, just like that. I with my big mouth, got pissed (of course) and asked why he was fucking our team over for the tournament "uhhh I just gotta go do something", eventually I just said whatever and walked away trying to find a sub. We played from 9 am to around 4 pm, broke pool (we only lost 1 game out of 10 that morning), but in the late afternoon only ended up probably around 6th or 7th place *sigh* We usually end up at least 3rd. I miss our guy that normally plays on our team - he had to sit out this season because of a neck injury - the guy that replaced him is just an a-hole, a "if there is something better going on" he's doing that instead. F you if you can't be a team player, you jackass. VENTING DONE.

Alright back to work...

Friday, September 10, 2010

football - we lost again...

Still a good game, 45 to 33 (I think)... youngest daughter went with me.

Eye doctor appointment tomorrow. Going to try and use the crock pot tomorrow (only my 2nd attempt) and do some work at home for a few hours... then rest up and pack for the tournament the next day. B/F is working this weekend, and upset with me AGAIN... *sigh*.

Still itching and scratching. Was almost in tears waking up in the middle of the night... I'm so sick of it. :(

Thursday, September 9, 2010

never look at rashes on the internet

I decided to google mosquito bite allergy heat rash - NOT A GOOD IDEA. Never do this before dinner. It looks to be what I have - doesn't make me feel any better of course. I guess I need to more careful when out fishing/playing tennis at night/etc... still couldn't sleep last night. Time to buy some Advil PM and knock myself out so I won't scratch. :( No way the welts and everything else will be gone by this Sunday for my tournament - ugh!

Wednesday, September 8, 2010


Way too busy to post yesteday. Too busy today too, but I just ate lunch so I can take 5 minutes...

I have this gross rash on my knee, under my other knee, and the bottom of my ass - bug bites that I scratched too much in my sleep and this dreaded heat on top of that turned into this gross disgusting rash. In fact, part of rash on the top of my knee was was oozing pus. GROSSSSSSSS. B/F said I got herpes - herpes may be better at this point. It's slowly going away but it's frustrating. I have tried everything to not scratch at night - wrapping a scarf around my leg with an ace bandage on top to "prevent" me from digging in deep. Playing volleyball tonight and I'm going to wear yoga pants in 85 degree weather - it's that or scare my teammates away...

Temporary contact lenses in, eye drops - followup appointment this Saturday. Praying all goes well.

Shopping for a homecoming dress this weekend. Gordmans had dresses for $30 - hopefully they are still there - that will fit into the teenager's budget I have offered her... she already has brand new shoes my mother gave her. (my mom gave us at least 15 pairs of shoes when we visited her on vacation, practically NEW, all valued around $200 for each pair - ha - I buy shoes at Walmart so this was like a gift from God).

End of season volleyball tournmanet this Sunday. I LOVE these tourneys - total fun (yet exhausting), free food, beer, etc (sometimes they even have personal massage therapists there). Weather only supposed to be in the 70's so it will be perfect. Maybe I'll be less herpe-infected at that point... We always kick ass at the tournaments. Should be doing that during league play during the week but we're lazy (or maybe just I am - okay, I KNOW I am).

Doing better at tennis now that I can SEE the frickin' ball.

B/F went dirtbike racing last night. I was worried. And it was justified - he came home hurt, I was pissed, we fought. *sigh*

Friday, September 3, 2010

back in the 130's again

139 this morning.

Football game last night was awesome. We lost in overtime 28 - 35. Making up for those years in HS where I never watched the game, just socialized. I have learned that I am NOT allowed to talk to my daughter during the game, or even glance her way and say hi. Seriously.

B/F is slowly letting me into his good graces again, thank God.

Eye doctor appointment tomorrow morning. Always nervous about that.

Hopefully tennis tonight...

Thursday, September 2, 2010

no sore throat, feeling 100%

Which means I'm kickin' some butt at work... which is good, especially since a customer came in to do a review and I better be on my game and not drugged out.

High school teenager's first football game tonight - I think it's bugs her that we're going, but I assured her we would NOT sit by her. lol Last night bought her some mardi gras beads in her HS school colors (of course had to buy EVERY color since they come in packs). Also got her some hair clips and little bows to glue on in her school colors to make for her and her friends. I will support school spirit 100%. Proud of her - it's only been 2 weeks as a freshman but already she's signed up for student council and joined the hiphop breakdancing team. I never joined clubs in school and regretted it - without trying to overbearing I was still letting her know it would be "fun" to go to the club "rush" and check out clubs she may want to join... and make new friends. Hey, I'm just happy she listens to me 50% of the time...

I gave in and bought new sheets last night. In white, ON SALE, for only $20. Can't beat that. I realized our other sheets are such crap because I could only afford polyester (yes, we have been bottom of the barrel broke for a long time). These new sheets are 60% cotton so hey, we're slowly movin' on up in the world.

Big Lots now has $3 DVD's - oh boy, that's a weakness. Walmart's $5 DVD's I could never justify, it was just a little too much. BUT $3! heck - I bought 4. Shoot, when we return a redbox movie too late that's $3 right there. I can justify the shit ouf of anything.

I have apologized to the boyfriend twice now for being such a bitch - I don't know if it's working. I was really outta line. Ugh. I hate myself sometimes. Before my words of evil left my mouth I kept saying, just keep quiet - you don't need to say this crap! But then I was on a roll, and my throat hurt, and I was whiney, and feeling sorry for myself, and every excuse I could think of. Again, I justified it. If he said the things I said to him, to ME, I would have slapped him. That tells you how bad it was.

Our finances will suck this weekend, and it's a 3 day weekend! Crap! Hopefully we will be back to normal and we can still enjoy it. I may get out the autum/fall decorations. When going into Hobby Lobby last night I TRIED to ignore all their fall stuff - but man, it's just SO BEAUTIFUL (seriously, it is, if you're a freak like me) so I thought, I'll look at this stuff, but NOT the Halloween stuff (yeah right).

The teenager wants to have a Halloween party - now I just told the b/f the other day I would not go crazy this year with Halloween. I was so secretly excited she said this because now I have a REASON to go crazy.

Alright back to work...

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

drugged up

I gave in and drugged up on cold medicine last night... and today. I swear that tylenol cold PM does NOT work as well as dayquil... normally nyquil will knock my ass out within 20 minutes. The tylenol cold PM never did kick in but at least it helped my sore throat. I watched one of my favorite movies again, Elizabeth, while trying to doze off in bed. My ex and I had decided after seeing that movie that if we ever had another daughter that would be her name... and it happened. Such a great inspirational movie.

I did not end up getting a new comforter... I looked at a few at Walmart but realized if I bought the cheap set they would end up like crap just like the other ones I purchased. I almost thought about buying an expensive set at Sam's Club but instead did some food shopping. Good thing too because the b/f has been off 3 days from work this week and my commission check was half of what I thought it would be so this wouldn't have been in our budget anyway. Okay, it wasn't really in our budget to begin with but I'm sick and wanted new sheets damnit - whine whine whine. Actually, I figured if I can just get some new pillow cases that might do the trick.

I'm wussin' out and skipping volleyball tonight. Hopefully they found a sub for me. Normally, when drugged up, I would convince myself I felt good enough to go play for 2 1/2 hours... but really, I'm trying to be smart about it this time and just take my ass home after work and get into bed. Trying to be smart at 41 - amazing!

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

sick - a different sickness

Alright, what the hell. I went from having stomach cramping and feeling nauseous Sunday night to having a sore throat and being tired today. Doesn't make sense. The last thing I want to do is crawl into my crappy 20 year old bed with old sheets/comforter/etc. I may just have to splurge and buy a new comforter set tonight. Granted we're going to buy a new king size bed (we have a queen right now) EVENTUALLY but that could be another year from now. I hate everything about our bed and everything that covers it.

Do I get a sub for volleyball tomorrow night? Will I feel better by then? Finding a sub the day before is a pain in the ass for my team captain. There aren't that many women "available" anymore.

I am pissy and weak today. I am being a total bitch to my boyfriend.

Amazingly I have not taken ANY drugs to make me feel better. And trust me, I have a minor cramp and I'm all over the meds...

Monday, August 30, 2010


Played better tennis over the weekend. Had a rockstar to get some extra energy - first night having it I felt great. Tried it against last night - blah, didn't help. Later that night cramping and feeling sick to my stomach. Because of the Rockstar!?!? not sure... feel icky today at work today.

Friday, August 27, 2010


I guess that's all I needed. Full 8 hours, actually woke up before the alarm went off.

After 7 years of being divorced I still have the thought running through my head when I don't stay up late with my boyfriend that he'll be pissed. My ex, before we were married but living together, would read me the riot act when I wouldn't stay up until midnight with him (I started work early in the morning, he started in the afternoon - don't ask WHY we still got married).

Hard to rewire your brain... even 7 years later.

Thursday, August 26, 2010


33%, right, that was this blog's description.

Tennis. B/F asks, how hard are you playing? (note: I don't sweat... okay, if it's 90 degrees and I'm in a volleyball tournament and I've been playing for 6 hours I'll start to sweat, START TO). uhhhhhhhh I had to think about it. 70%? which is pathetic. is 70% even TRYING?! I'm not busting my ass. I'm not running towards the shot like my life depends on it. Another tennis ball will come over so no biggie. When am I at 100%? During a vball tournament for sure, because we HAVE to win to keep playing. But during the regular season league? eh, 70%. I think the whole team is at 70%. Did I ever play at 100%? High school -so I could play every game. Funny, I thought I was competitive, but really, it's only if something will be taken AWAY from me...

What does that say about me? I do just enough to get by? Am I LAZY?! *gasp!*


What scares me: my vision, or lack of. my eyesight is TERRIBLE. with no vision insurance it's difficult to see the eye doctor yearly but I have to in order to get my new contacts Rx (and new glasses this year) - it's going to cost $350 to get this all done. Ugh. But it can't be put off...

I have a fear of waking up in the middle of the night to an intruder and I can't find my glasses - I literally cannot see 2 inches in front of my face. I also have a fear of ending up looking my ex's friends' mother's dog - a mutt that needed to be put to sleep but she kept him alive ("Barney") blind, deaf, disabled... will that be me some day? milky white eyes and unable to see??? I always ask my eye doctor a million questions regarding my vision but so far there is no major concern. I just have bad vision, I'm getting older and hormones are kicking in (why at 40 does everything about your body suddenly seem to get f*cked up??!). I'm having this problem _________ "well you're 41" so this __________ has been happening lately "well, you're in your 40's now". awesome.

When playing tennis at night everything is no longer crystal clear. I hate to use that as an excuse for my crappy tennis playing, but people (yes you B/F!) with great vision don't understand us blind schmucks...

6 months since last post - I'm a flake

Most likely this is attributed by posting on facebook so much - but originally I started this for some mental relief (a blog that is).

Since getting back from vacation b/f and I have been playing tennis almost every night and have been fully occupied on the weekend (with the kids and then just by ourselves). Last night we played tennis but not until around 8:30 (I wasn't tired, but I had NO energy). I think the reason is my "at home schedule" is off - yes, we are going to play tennis every night (which is great!) but I'm getting to bed later, the house chores aren't done, etc... time to readjust my schedule. I am also leaving to go play without eating dinner (bad Cindy bad!).

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

be gone!

If only ex's would disappear forever

Wednesday, February 3, 2010


Wow, I didn't even try. I did occupy myself last night in the new guest/craft room and worked on Valentine's Day bookmarks for 3 hours which means I didn't snack at all. It was relaxing - b/f hooked up the radio so I could listen to classical music. Does this mean 130 is attainable? I just read somewhere you have less health risks if you can reach your high school weight. I was 115 in high school (what a twig!). I can't really imagine that would be a healthy weight at 5'7 though...

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

scared to start

When there are so many things to do, I get scared and FREEZE and can't do any of them. Deer in the headlights. I have to tell myself, repeat in my head, over and over again "stop at the auto repair shop, stop at the shop, stop at the shop, STOP AT THE SHOP". Reminds me of "The Aviator" (anyone see that movie??? my youngest, who's 9, she loves it - WEIRD movie to love at 9).

Friday, January 29, 2010

what a turkey

Well, my neck that is... I don't know what's happening, but it's been happening for the last year - my skin is getting wrinkled and kinda droopy there. In fact, when I look at it (after I mentally SCREAM) it looks like a guy lifting up his balls. LOVELY! I have neck-balls! Ugh - gross. I bought the neckline slimmer at Christmas. Used it for a few days then stopped. I started again this Monday with determination! Please God let it work...

Thursday, January 28, 2010

I didn't get away with it

What a mistake - to eat that Carl's Jr meal - I was up until 1:30 am. Why do I think my stomach can ever handle that kind of food??? Ugghhh!

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

where's the green?

so I "splurged" today and printed off a $1 coupon online and went to Carl's Jr for a combo meal - when I do this I don't eat dinner since it's so much food (and normally I can't even finish the combo meal). Coupon was for the grilled cheese bacon burger. with fries. with a coke. After finishing I realized something didn't taste right, something was missing. No lettuce, no tomato, nada. Am I actually MISSING having vegetables? Normally this meal would be such a "treat" but now I feel BLAH. and I know my stomach will be payin' for it later.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

I live in fear

There are more things…that frighten us than injure us, and we suffer more in imagination than in reality

- Seneca
Roman philosopher, statesman and dramatist
c 4 B.C. - AD 65

Wednesday, January 20, 2010


I'm now hovering at 135/136. When nothing else is comforting at least looking at the scale helps!

My highest weight was 145. I haven't weighed less than 139 since before my last child was born (NINE YEARS AGO!).

Thursday, January 14, 2010

letting go

When is it time to let a child go and be their own person and make their own decisions???

Wednesday, January 13, 2010


Okay, not totally renewed but getting there. Scratched my eye, in pain, blah blah blah (this was yesterday). Problems with the kids, blah blah blah. Later in the evening I decided to try to actually play one line from ONE song on the guitar (guitar I bought for the b/f 2 years ago that sits in the corner collecting dust). Let's just say when I learned to play piano back in elementary school it probably took me 6 months AT LEAST to learn to play The Love Boat. I am tone deaf, I can't listen to a song and pick out the instruments, or play by ear. Okay, plain and simple, I am NOT musical. I am a by-the-numbers analytical person, not a feely-go-with-it and be in tune with the music person. My "guitar playing" (if we want to call it that) was PATHETIC, but damnit, it was fun. It was even more hilarious having the b/f sit by me listening laughing at me. (and when he grabbed the guitar and played what I played without even looking at the guitar tabs... grrrrrrrrr... I was JEALOUS!) But I had fun, I RELAXED, I am BETTER. weird.