Thursday, August 30, 2012

better today

Had volleyball league last night - b/f went with me.  Was good to get in the swing of things again.  Beautiful german shepherd was there (that was the kind of dog I had growing up) - we may need to get a dog.  I think the b/f needs a buddy (me, not so much).  

Busy day at work - being busy helps, occupies my mind.  I have some new ideas for paintings- some dark depressing ideas which in the long run will make me feel better (and maybe sell?).

Tomorrow I'll get my highlights done - almost 2 inches of roots now - yuck.  

This hot weather won't stop!  I don't want to say I'm ready for fall, but ugh, I'm sick of 90 degree days.  

Life moves on.  I have to move forward.  I HAVE TO.   I have to help my b/f move forward too.  I have never seen him like this.  Normally he can cope and move on... I am hoping to get someone for him to talk to soon.  I am worried...

Wednesday, August 29, 2012


I stayed home yesterday.  I cleaned and painted.  Doing something physical distracted me, however when that was over I broke down.  I thought I was going crazy, literally, so I found a counselor online and went to meet her in the afternoon.  Having a professional outside opinion helped. 

Today I am just numb and beat-down.

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

what if it's worse than lemons?

I am home today.  I can't keep food down.  I think I am having a nervous breakdown (but would I be able to post if I really was?).

Within 3 days my life turned upside down, again.  My last daughter decided to live with her father.  That means I now have NO children at home.  It's like death with no closing, no funeral, just endless what-if's.  I question my parenting skills.  I question whether I am a worse parent than her father.  That what I did, rather, did not do... which is NOT hop on the destructive family bandwagon without a thought to everyone else involved, was the right thing. 

No, I know it was right.  I will not crucify people off hearsay.  I will not destroy a family off hearsay.  So even though I did what I think is right, and I don't question it, I still lose.  I live my life with FULL HONESTY and a 100% sense of self now.  And I STILL LOSE.  I battle lies and deceit and plans-in-the-making and yet, once again, I STILL LOSE.  How does this happen?  Am I horrible for just giving in?  For not fighting a battle I cannot win? 

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Monday, August 20, 2012

workout #1

Ugh, starting from the very beginning AGAIN.  15 minutes complete body workout (TV on demand) - sore this morning, a good sore.  I feel like a wuss!  I almost wanted to quit halfway through but pretended like the guy was right in front of me - that worked. 

Finished 3 paintings this weekend - will post pictures later.

Cheer / Poms car wash was a success Saturday.  Raised $600 in 6 hours.  

Haven't found the scale yet.  We used it when weighing a suitcase and one of the kids stashed it somewhere.  I don't miss it.  Clothes still fit the same.  Not worried about weight anyway, just about muscle.  Maybe we'll just keep it hidden...

Freshman orientation today so my daughter and the cheer team has to be there all day.  First official day of school for her tomorrow.

Volleyball league on Wednesday.  Maybe I'll do drop in tonight - not sure.  Cheer parent "social" Thursday night (drinks?) and then my highlights later than night (THANK GOD).  Friday night is the football scrimmage - girls will be cheering so I'll go.

Busy Busy Busy.

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

high blood pressure

Did I mention that already?  Dad ordered me a high blood pressure monitor for my wrist - should be receiving it soon.  Speaking of my wrist, jammed it last night plowing into a guy playing volleyball.  "goddamnit it Jacob what the fuck?!  why didn't you move?  your name is Jacob right?"  good start to making new friends!

Quit soda during the week - it's been about a month.  No more frozen meals.  Curious to know if my blood pressure has gotten better. 

Vball last night was drop-in.  I'm so anti-social now when it comes to new things.  I think I'm picking that up from the b/f.  I had to talk myself into going last night.  Only knew the coordinator of the league.  The vball sucked but the people were super nice.  I may go on Thursday again just to be out of the house.  Looks like a group of people go out after for dinner so I may plan on that too.  I do no socializing except playing vball - I never actually hang out with any of the vball people outside of vball.  I need to change that.  I'm super happy spending all my social time with my b/f and/or the kid but I need to expand my horizons.  Oh, and there were lesbians there - yay!  I miss the gays.  I have no gays in Colorado.  All of them are back in  CA... *sigh*.  I wanted to go to pridefest this year but I had a vball tournament.  Next year I'm definitely going and taking the teenager.  

School starts next week.  Did our school shopping on Sunday.  All day.  Nice that the teenager has a permit now 'cause I enjoyed a margarita at dinner and she drove us home.  Cheer practice is in full swing again since football starts right up.  We have a car wash fundraiser on Saturday.  A team parent meeting Wednesday which means I miss out on my vball league (grrrrr). 

A few months ago I threw out all my art books.  I did keep my paints - just in case I felt the urge again.  I finished one painting this weekend.  Insurance is killin' me - I need another outlet.  Will I be in insurance forever?  Can I make a living at something else?  Maybe I just need a vacation?