Really, I am. My crying is not continuous, just on and off. An overwhelming I'm never going to get through this, things will never get better, feeling. Sheesh. I'm TIRED of having this feeling every few months. I am scared.
But I'm not a p*ssy. Does that make sense?
I wish volleyball was going on so I could play against some a**hole. That always makes me feel better.
And life goes on...
Friday, January 21, 2011
Thursday, January 20, 2011
bottomed out?
Still no job for b/f - going on a month now.
TODAY:
The job I thought I would have after my boss retired end of may is not available. Not enough room in the new district manager's budget to hire me. great.
Then my aunt calls and leaves a message at home last night. I call her from work. My mother had one sibling, my uncle who died about 8 years ago. This is his wife. I haven't talked to her or any of the family really since the funeral. We do exchange Christmas cards. In fact I have no verbal contact with any extended family. After my grandparents died my mother didn't make an effort to keep in contact which means as I kid I stopped seeing cousins, etc.
My aunt is worried about my mother's health and mental well-being. To me it's not new news but to her it's shocking. We talked for a good 40 minutes. She doesn't understand why my mother doesn't call me, fly out to see me, says that she doesn't have any money, etc. I tell her I've accepted the fact that my mother isn't who I want her to be, she's just who she is and I've accepted it. My aunt doesn't understand - she's got a huge family, loves her kids & grandkids - does anything and everything to see them be with them. So hearing about what I don't get just made me MORE depressed than I already am. I had to stop from crying. I told her I was always jealous of her family. :( Anyway, when I visit So Cal this summer I'll arrange to see her somehow (she's in Santa Cruz). *big sigh*
Really, I don't feel like I can handle anymore - guess God has other plans though 'cause he just keeps giving me more...
TODAY:
The job I thought I would have after my boss retired end of may is not available. Not enough room in the new district manager's budget to hire me. great.
Then my aunt calls and leaves a message at home last night. I call her from work. My mother had one sibling, my uncle who died about 8 years ago. This is his wife. I haven't talked to her or any of the family really since the funeral. We do exchange Christmas cards. In fact I have no verbal contact with any extended family. After my grandparents died my mother didn't make an effort to keep in contact which means as I kid I stopped seeing cousins, etc.
My aunt is worried about my mother's health and mental well-being. To me it's not new news but to her it's shocking. We talked for a good 40 minutes. She doesn't understand why my mother doesn't call me, fly out to see me, says that she doesn't have any money, etc. I tell her I've accepted the fact that my mother isn't who I want her to be, she's just who she is and I've accepted it. My aunt doesn't understand - she's got a huge family, loves her kids & grandkids - does anything and everything to see them be with them. So hearing about what I don't get just made me MORE depressed than I already am. I had to stop from crying. I told her I was always jealous of her family. :( Anyway, when I visit So Cal this summer I'll arrange to see her somehow (she's in Santa Cruz). *big sigh*
Really, I don't feel like I can handle anymore - guess God has other plans though 'cause he just keeps giving me more...
Monday, January 17, 2011
What I've been working on...
Sheep - cute and durable!
pigs
moose - finally a batch of moose that didn't end up breaking... those skinny legs were a problem
hearts for Valentine's Day
newly painted craft room
cowsAll ornaments are $10 each...
I need to make some money! lol
Thursday, January 6, 2011
back to numb
Well I didn't cry yesterday, that's good right? I'm back to numb again.
Not sure why I can never remember when the spring volleyball session starts - I think it's April. 4 months. *sigh* wayyyyyyyy toooooooooo long.
We needed a new starter for the pickle. $242 plus tax. Next is a new windshield. I said to the B/F, your brother is going to reimburse right? "right". surrrrrrreeeeeeeeee.
Job opportunities in the mix for the B/F - possibly a future foreman position with of course some painting too. I think he would enjoy this. He's a good people person and has that management personality and can be a charmer with the homeowners too.
Saturday is salon day - it's been 3 months since I had my roots done. I've been wearing ponytails every day for a month because my hair looks so shitty. I purposely made sure to set aside part of commission check to pay for it. And order new contacts. And fix the pickle... and well poof it's gone already!
Not sure why I can never remember when the spring volleyball session starts - I think it's April. 4 months. *sigh* wayyyyyyyy toooooooooo long.
We needed a new starter for the pickle. $242 plus tax. Next is a new windshield. I said to the B/F, your brother is going to reimburse right? "right". surrrrrrreeeeeeeeee.
Job opportunities in the mix for the B/F - possibly a future foreman position with of course some painting too. I think he would enjoy this. He's a good people person and has that management personality and can be a charmer with the homeowners too.
Saturday is salon day - it's been 3 months since I had my roots done. I've been wearing ponytails every day for a month because my hair looks so shitty. I purposely made sure to set aside part of commission check to pay for it. And order new contacts. And fix the pickle... and well poof it's gone already!
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
teal
Last night the B/F painted the "new" craft room which is actually the little one's old room. I wanted a teal color - he got some free paint from his buddies - it's more of a green than blue but I really like it - and it's lighter. I have a framed surfer poster (pipeline I think). 2 more frames I'm going to spraypaint silver and throw some surfers in there. Will bring up my newly formed shell collection from the basement to put on the wall (not sure what design yet). Will be pretty when I'm done...
Yesterday he drove down and we dropped the "pickle", that POS van from his brother, off at the repair shop. I think it needs a new ignition switch. My stomach is in knots thinking about the cost. B/F is still job hunting... repair shop just called, of course the pickle starts perfectly for them every time.
Teenager gets out early on Wednesdays from High School. Her and friends are going to McD's after school then home to practice cheer - 3 girls, or maybe 4 now, are going out for the squad I think sometime in March.
Work is busy - which is good - it keeps me from crying.
Yesterday he drove down and we dropped the "pickle", that POS van from his brother, off at the repair shop. I think it needs a new ignition switch. My stomach is in knots thinking about the cost. B/F is still job hunting... repair shop just called, of course the pickle starts perfectly for them every time.
Teenager gets out early on Wednesdays from High School. Her and friends are going to McD's after school then home to practice cheer - 3 girls, or maybe 4 now, are going out for the squad I think sometime in March.
Work is busy - which is good - it keeps me from crying.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
resolutions
The little one "floating" down Boulder creek (yes, the day that I got ass-ivy). Both of us can fit on this huge turtle...
resolutions:
NONE.
The last one I made was back in high school to water my plants. Think I kept it? We have NO real plants in the house. It's hard enough to "water" the hermit crab.
There are fun things I want to try though. Like "real tubing" down some of our rivers - we've kinda done the floaty thing for like 50 yards, but not actually tubed down the whole thing. Mainly because the little one was too little - this year the teenager will probably want to go with friends I'm sure. And when her twin and the little one come out for the summer we can try it (little one now has a life jacket). I would like to try white water rafting too - I know I will scream the whole way but it looks fun. I get jealous when we're out fishing and see the rafters.
I also need to increase my arm strength. I have none. This would make a huge difference when hitting the ball (both volleyball and tennis) and serving. I can "place" a hit (in v-ball) and score a point but really I'd like to ram it down someone's throat. Especially at some asshole guy that is on at least ONE team every league-session or tournament.
*big sigh*
YESTERDAY:
Was going to post yesterday afternoon, but then my little one called from her Dad's house. After about 5 minutes of talking to her I started getting weepy, then started crying (and trying not to SOUND like I was crying - that works real well doesn't it?) and finally said I needed to get back to work. I didn't want to her to hear me. After that I was just a mess and went into the bathroom and bawled. Once again when I got home I was just numb. I don't know if I made the right decision.
Talked to my mother (who lives in CA) and hasn't been doing well healthwise for the past couple of years - she fell at home, hit her head on the hardwood floors, but she's "okay". She's not okay.
The POS van won't start most mornings - probably needs a new starter per the B/F. Cool, $ we don't have.
Anyway, after all that I was ready to say, F it! I don't care! Just do whatever!
Today I've got jazz playing instead of my regular 80's music - just trying to keep this a mellow day.
Was going to post yesterday afternoon, but then my little one called from her Dad's house. After about 5 minutes of talking to her I started getting weepy, then started crying (and trying not to SOUND like I was crying - that works real well doesn't it?) and finally said I needed to get back to work. I didn't want to her to hear me. After that I was just a mess and went into the bathroom and bawled. Once again when I got home I was just numb. I don't know if I made the right decision.
Talked to my mother (who lives in CA) and hasn't been doing well healthwise for the past couple of years - she fell at home, hit her head on the hardwood floors, but she's "okay". She's not okay.
The POS van won't start most mornings - probably needs a new starter per the B/F. Cool, $ we don't have.
Anyway, after all that I was ready to say, F it! I don't care! Just do whatever!
Today I've got jazz playing instead of my regular 80's music - just trying to keep this a mellow day.
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