i refuse to do it anymore

I've been doing it for over 20 years.  I AM DONE. 



Why do you want to live with guilt? It does not serve any purpose at all except to make you miserable. Can you see that your mind becomes your true enemy in that it keeps reinforcing feelings of guilt about things you did in the past.

You can use these simple pointers to stop the mind from victimizing you through guilt

Past does not define your present – If you are willing to be really honest you will see that past is just memory. You reinforce it by thinking about it in your present. What you are now is not what you were in the past. In reality you are a different person everyday and every moment. Guilt can only arise when you associate with who you were in the past.

“Wrong” is only an idea – In truth there is nothing right or wrong. Everything is just a manifestation in this world of form. Circumstances are neutral until the mind labels it. You can simply ignore your mind when it tries to make you feel guilty. Know that your mind is just a computer that is running a conditioned script. Stop having a guilty conscience by knowing that it’s only an idea of the mind.

“Forgive them for they know not what they do” – A beautiful pointer given by Jesus which can be applied to our lives. All our actions are mostly unconsciously driven by instinct or impulse. Can we forgive ourselves for being unconscious? Of course, there is nothing personal about human unconsciousness. Life is forever forgiving.

You can learn without feeling guilty – So you did something “wrong”, does it serve any purpose to punish yourself continuously for it? Why not just use the experience to become more mature. Everything in life is an opening towards growth. Embrace the message that your guilt brings you but don’t associate with the feeling.

Stop believing in beliefs – Guilt can easily provide an opportunity for growth. Look deep within to realize the dysfunctional belief or thought that causes you to feel guilty and be open enough to see through its silliness. All beliefs are ultimately silly.

Guilt can also help us become more righteous and virtuous as long as we are not deluding ourselves. The greatest virtue is to stay true to our heart and not to our mind. But forgive yourself first before you hope to learn something from the experience. Your heart is always willing to forgive, it’s the mind that always places the blame game.

day 2 of mini-morning-workout

Arms are sore. Back sorta sore.

I couldn't keep making excuses as to why I couldn't do a 10 to 15 minute workout in the morning.  At least get started with it.  Do SOMETHING.  And when I'm sore I want to do more.  This will have to be a daily thing.

update

Mom is better - 3 full meals a day, walking with a walker, working out at the gym in the nursing home.  Eventually it looks like she'll go to an assisted living place.  She has friends visiting her and I send a fax every couple of days to her.  Her memory is not all there - this is the sad part, I don't think she'll ever be able to go back to her house again.  Thank God for my dad, her ex-husband, who lives close by, is taking care of the financial affairs.  He visits her weekly and even his girlfriend has come along.  Amazing how open my mom is now to visitors and getting help...

I am doing okay.  I'm not on constant break-down mode.  I do have those moments, especially when I'm alone, where I miss my kids, my mother, etc.  But then I have to remember I didn't lose my kids, they chose to live with their Dad - I had many years with me being the primary sole parent.   I talk to my one daughter every few days.  She was the one that had left first... maybe it just takes a while for that bond to be reestablished.  Heck, the twins will be 18 in a year and a half, going to college, on their own and free to go where they want.  I just have to hang in there.  With my mother I think my crying is because I am relieved that she is doing better and we're not on "death alert".  

I feel like my brain is back in work mode again.  My boss had told me just to focus on customer service, not sales, because I was barely hanging in there and sorta "spacey".  I agreed with him, it was hard to hear, but it was true.  This week I made a few sales and I'm more focused now.  

Wasn't sure how I'd feel during Halloween with no kids around.  I did okay.  We barely had any trick or treaters (I think because our community is still on high alert even after Jessica Ridgeway's killer turned himself in).  Just this morning in my neighborhood there was another attempted child abduction.  

Told the b/f I don't care about Thanksgiving - we can even just skip it.  Not sure about Christmas - may visit his family in Ohio/PA.  

I am now a wine drinker!  Dad's g/f had given me some when I was out there during the mom crisis.  Was pretty good.  I've purchased my 3rd bottle.  A little wine at night, some cheese & crackers and I'm relaxed.  I need to eat better.  I could live on snack foods 24/7.  With no kids at home the fridge is practically empty and I have no desire to cook (okay, I have never desired to cook just had to before).

Been working on my art... this weekend will go to home depot and see if I can buy some sheet metal to use as a frame around the pieces...

Allan Almost Gastric Bypass FMT

DAY 294 TUESDAY OCTOBER 2, 2012 MORE

Let's call it FMT, or Friend making Tuesday. As an exercise, post these questions on your blogs, answer them, and comment here that you have done so. We can all learn just a little bit more about each other...

1) I am how many years old, weigh this much, and aspire to weigh this much....


43, 145 (I think), ummmmmmmmm 120?  Really, I don't care... I'm good where I'm at for now.

2) I am following a great plan, and this is what I do....

no plan, except I've pretty much stuck to no soda during the week and am attempting to lower carbs

3) When faced with a decision of whether to eat something in moderation or abstain, I choose to....


moderation

4) I am employed as this, or I am not working but used to be this...


customer service/sales

5) I have pets, and they are, named...

.2 guinea pigs and 1 hermit crab - anyone live in Colorado and want them?!?!

6) My favorite snack food is.... and I can eat this many of them....


cheese - still in moderation

7) I blog because......


I needed to free up space in my head


Thanks and get cracking...

is mom on the upswing?

May be lookin' like it... I am anxious to get out to CA on Thursday and see her!

This weekend I took a break and did not call the hospital.  Friends have been updating me through email on their visits with Mom...

BF and I went to manitou springs on Saturday for a fab lunch at PJ's Bistro and played arcade games and just walked around.  The leaves are turning so really everywhere in Colorado it's gorgeous.  We went to Seven Falls (my idea... bad idea).  Afraid of heights and I'm thinking it's a GREAT idea to climb up to 300 steps to the top of a waterfall?!  Yeah, I got to step 15, heart racing, hands shaking and came back down.  Total fail.  Total waste of $20. 

Sunday was spent cleaning.  Watched the bronco game - the ENTIRE game.  Didn't doze off once.  

mom's progress

Still at hospital.  I fly back again next Thursday when she'll be moved into a nursing home.  This last month has been the hardest time in my entire life.  At one point I was surprised I could still function (even if barely).

Saw a therapist twice and he gave me the book

A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life's Purpose

by Eckhart Tolle.  If anything has saved my sanity it's been this book (and of course my therapist)

http://closeinhealing.com/

mom

My mother, who lives in California, who unfortunately I am not super close with, had 2 small strokes last week.  Thought she was improving but now it's taken a turn for the worse.  I fly out to CA tomorrow morning.  Stomach is in knots.  My dad, her ex, went to see her yesterday.  She's like a skeleton, not eating, not really communicating or understanding what's going on.  I am it for family - there is no one else.  I don't know if she has any directives, a will - any info regarding her financial affairs and what to do to take care of them.

I am trying NOT to panic.  Not panicking is not my strong point.  It was hard enough to handle when my daughter left, and now... THIS. 

3 hour counseling session this past Saturday

with the boyfriend.  Amazing how what you originally go in for is not what you end up going in for.  So much of life explained and understood.  What is your ego, your personality and your core self.  What you do to protect yourself that actually hinders you.  

Life altering.  

We are going back in a month and we'll continue to go...

better today

Had volleyball league last night - b/f went with me.  Was good to get in the swing of things again.  Beautiful german shepherd was there (that was the kind of dog I had growing up) - we may need to get a dog.  I think the b/f needs a buddy (me, not so much).  

Busy day at work - being busy helps, occupies my mind.  I have some new ideas for paintings- some dark depressing ideas which in the long run will make me feel better (and maybe sell?).

Tomorrow I'll get my highlights done - almost 2 inches of roots now - yuck.  

This hot weather won't stop!  I don't want to say I'm ready for fall, but ugh, I'm sick of 90 degree days.  

Life moves on.  I have to move forward.  I HAVE TO.   I have to help my b/f move forward too.  I have never seen him like this.  Normally he can cope and move on... I am hoping to get someone for him to talk to soon.  I am worried...

counseling

I stayed home yesterday.  I cleaned and painted.  Doing something physical distracted me, however when that was over I broke down.  I thought I was going crazy, literally, so I found a counselor online and went to meet her in the afternoon.  Having a professional outside opinion helped. 

Today I am just numb and beat-down.

what if it's worse than lemons?

I am home today.  I can't keep food down.  I think I am having a nervous breakdown (but would I be able to post if I really was?).

Within 3 days my life turned upside down, again.  My last daughter decided to live with her father.  That means I now have NO children at home.  It's like death with no closing, no funeral, just endless what-if's.  I question my parenting skills.  I question whether I am a worse parent than her father.  That what I did, rather, did not do... which is NOT hop on the destructive family bandwagon without a thought to everyone else involved, was the right thing. 

No, I know it was right.  I will not crucify people off hearsay.  I will not destroy a family off hearsay.  So even though I did what I think is right, and I don't question it, I still lose.  I live my life with FULL HONESTY and a 100% sense of self now.  And I STILL LOSE.  I battle lies and deceit and plans-in-the-making and yet, once again, I STILL LOSE.  How does this happen?  Am I horrible for just giving in?  For not fighting a battle I cannot win? 

art 1, 2 & 3

workout #1

Ugh, starting from the very beginning AGAIN.  15 minutes complete body workout (TV on demand) - sore this morning, a good sore.  I feel like a wuss!  I almost wanted to quit halfway through but pretended like the guy was right in front of me - that worked. 

Finished 3 paintings this weekend - will post pictures later.

Cheer / Poms car wash was a success Saturday.  Raised $600 in 6 hours.  

Haven't found the scale yet.  We used it when weighing a suitcase and one of the kids stashed it somewhere.  I don't miss it.  Clothes still fit the same.  Not worried about weight anyway, just about muscle.  Maybe we'll just keep it hidden...

Freshman orientation today so my daughter and the cheer team has to be there all day.  First official day of school for her tomorrow.

Volleyball league on Wednesday.  Maybe I'll do drop in tonight - not sure.  Cheer parent "social" Thursday night (drinks?) and then my highlights later than night (THANK GOD).  Friday night is the football scrimmage - girls will be cheering so I'll go.

Busy Busy Busy.

high blood pressure

Did I mention that already?  Dad ordered me a high blood pressure monitor for my wrist - should be receiving it soon.  Speaking of my wrist, jammed it last night plowing into a guy playing volleyball.  "goddamnit it Jacob what the fuck?!  why didn't you move?  your name is Jacob right?"  good start to making new friends!

Quit soda during the week - it's been about a month.  No more frozen meals.  Curious to know if my blood pressure has gotten better. 

Vball last night was drop-in.  I'm so anti-social now when it comes to new things.  I think I'm picking that up from the b/f.  I had to talk myself into going last night.  Only knew the coordinator of the league.  The vball sucked but the people were super nice.  I may go on Thursday again just to be out of the house.  Looks like a group of people go out after for dinner so I may plan on that too.  I do no socializing except playing vball - I never actually hang out with any of the vball people outside of vball.  I need to change that.  I'm super happy spending all my social time with my b/f and/or the kid but I need to expand my horizons.  Oh, and there were lesbians there - yay!  I miss the gays.  I have no gays in Colorado.  All of them are back in  CA... *sigh*.  I wanted to go to pridefest this year but I had a vball tournament.  Next year I'm definitely going and taking the teenager.  

School starts next week.  Did our school shopping on Sunday.  All day.  Nice that the teenager has a permit now 'cause I enjoyed a margarita at dinner and she drove us home.  Cheer practice is in full swing again since football starts right up.  We have a car wash fundraiser on Saturday.  A team parent meeting Wednesday which means I miss out on my vball league (grrrrr). 

A few months ago I threw out all my art books.  I did keep my paints - just in case I felt the urge again.  I finished one painting this weekend.  Insurance is killin' me - I need another outlet.  Will I be in insurance forever?  Can I make a living at something else?  Maybe I just need a vacation?

What a month!

My other 2 girls have been here for about a month now (they leave Friday).  Always takes a little while for everyone to "mesh" but it feels like we're back to normal again.  This will make it even harder when they go back to their Dad's.  


My calf / knee issue seems to be healed.  Last 2 weeks at volleyball I've been blocking/hitting again.  My blocking has actually improved (how the hell did that happen?!).  Got into a verbal altercation with a woman from another team tonight.  I may have ended the conversation with, "just shut the fuck up".  *wiggles eyebrows*.  If there's one thing I am, it's direct!  Sports have taught me a lot, can you tell?!  It's the one area that I don't put up with shit.. 


I quit soda last Friday.  First couple of days I dealt with headaches and that crash and burn feeling in the afternoon, but I'm starting to bounce back.  I feel like I have constant energy throughout the day.  I mean, it's 10:52 pm and I'm still awake!  Normally I'm ready to be in bed by 8 pm.  


Our a/c at the office stopped working this past weekend.  This morning my co-workers and I said fuck it and took our work home.  


My other teenager got her permit a couple of weeks ago.  I never thought I would be so terrified... the imaginary brake on the passenger side does not lessen the stress!  Cheer practice started again so we're back to our busy schedule. 


Short and sweet I know, but just wanted to update. 

juice cleanse here we go...

Starting weight 145

tired, sluggish, love handles, eating crap because nothing sounds good and crap is cheap (I'm not even really hungry yet I still eat because well everyone else is eating) - not the way to go

will do juice (as close to 100% of my diet) as I can, then back to veggies & fruit 

2nd chiro appointment later this morning - 30 minute leg massage then adjustment... taking this week off to rehab, but next week I'll be back to both leagues.

frustrated

leg isn't any better... a customer (chiropracter) came into the office today, told him about my situation - i have an appointment on friday.  i need to know exactly how bad it is before i plan the rest of the season.

i felt like such a baby - a whiner.  when it's sports related and i can't do what i want to do i just wanna mope around and cry (don't worry i don't - i hold it in). 

saturday morning daughter had the cheerleading event - cold, raining, crap!  i stayed in the car half the time.  came home, decide to start painting the living room - got half done.  looks okay, not as good as boyfriend would do it.  at least this time i asked for NO help.  as long as I'm not walking long distances i can tolerate the leg pain.  

i suggested fishing for sunday (really cindy?  walking and climbing rocks?) - yeah, that didn't happen.  we went to ikea instead for new drapes.  i totally gimped it - sucked.  went to lunch - yummy bbq and then saw the dictator - pretty funny movie - really wanted to see the hunger games but the timing wasn't right.  

i did rent the iron lady this weekend - it was awesome.  i never appreciated meryl streep until julie and julia - her characters are just so incredible you forget that it's her.  

this really stuck with me:

1. Margaret Thatcher:  "Watch your thoughts, for they become words.Watch your words, for they become actions. Watch your actions, for they become habits. Watch your habits, for they become your character. And watch your character, for it becomes your destiny. What we think, we become. My father always said that. And I think I am fine."

frickin' frackin' leg...

taped, wrapped, iced - all during work.  ankle is still swollen.  am i really going to take 2 whole weeks off volleyball?!  *big sigh*.  does anyone understand how depressing that it is? the weather is gorgeous here - this is my favorite time of year to start playing... and now i gotta be a grown up and heal?!  shit.  i gotta decide pretty quickly if i'm going to join the sand league starting 6/1 or find a sub.  i know, my life is full of hard choices. 

It's been a while!

Job is going well - the job description keeps changing but I'm okay with that.  B/F worked through winter (it's been years since that's happened) so our finances are getting in better shape.  Steady pay coming in for both of us.  Daughter made it on cheer team again - completed her first fundraiser - she's really bustin' ass on them this year.  The team does their first charity event this Saturday (cheering on walkers for the cystic fibrosis foundation).  I'll carpool some kids, bring my beach chair and just hang out in the sun reading the paper... BUT with my fishing / lifeguard looking hat on. 

After 5 years I finally got new glasses - so when I'm at home I can actually SEE the TV.  They're cute enough I could wear them in public too.  Normally I wear my contacts 24/7 but allergies take their toll and my eyes pay for it. 

Grass volleyball just started and the first night out my left calf was cramping a bit.  Tried to shake it out, stretch, etc - kept getting worse.  Eventually I couldn't put any weight on it and my leg, ankle and foot were swollen.  Calmed down in about 2 weeks then last night playing "pop!" it happened again.  :(    Hurts like a mother-fucker.  I had to quit half-way through and missed my tournament later on.  UGH.  I'm assuming it's a pulled calf muscle.  This is bullshit.  I'm going to go get a brace today for it (happened to another v-ball friend and she said the brace is making a difference).  Really worried since I also start a sand league in 2 weeks.  arrrrrrgggghhhhhhhh.

Been fishing a lot of course - love the weather and our beautiful mountains.  Can never get tired of it.

Other 2 daughters come out next month (along with my dad and his g/f visiting).  Kids will be here for a month - can't wait! 

zzzzzzzzzzz

11 hours at work, going home then leaving again for volleyball league at 9:30 - I'm too old for this! ;)