still alive and kickin'

Still at the new job... still playing volleyball, etc. Things are pretty good, pretty busy, pretty tiring!

still alive but good grief

between daughter's cheer, tennis, volleyball, work, etc I'm swamped... in a good way!

Life is slowly calming down

2 more weeks until my current boss retires.

Finally got a "new" used car. A 1998 chrysler sebring convertible (always a CA girl at heart what can I say) for $3,500. Red with a black top. "lady bug" is her name now... I've wanted a convertible since high school (when all those rich bitches at school had convertible rabbits!).

Teenager made the cheerleading squad - yay! We have our first fundraiser this coming weekend. Yard sale/car wash/bake sale. I made a bunch of signs to post... anyone realize how EXPENSIVE cheerleading is?! Holy CRAP.

Ob/gyn appointment this morning. Everything is good to go. TMI?

Hired a personal trainer last week. I hate him. ;)

Volleyball league started last week. I literally could not jump, scrouch down, etc. because of my personal trainer who I HATE.

Next week is court (because both drivers were ticketed after the car accident our county requires us to go to court) - I have no idea what will happen...

how the heck does 2 weeks go by already?

sheesh.

B/F's grandmother died so he was out of town last week.

Finally got my check for my car however my bank is putting a hold on it - OF COURSE. Only took 5 weeks to get the money.

Found out yesterday teenager made it onto the cheerleading squad. YAY!!!

I can't seem to get caught up with work and life in general. Only one more month until my boss retires so hopefully once that's over and I'm at the other office full time things will calm down a bit. I've still been neglecting making ornaments... shit!

too pissed

to write anything today, will try again tomorrow.

2nd night at gym (144)

I'm bored outta my mind on the treadmill. We headed over to the gym after my daughter's dentist appointment (I'm surprised she still wanted to go after being shot up with novicaine and in a little bit of pain). I'm realizing I look WORSE that I thought I did. I think I have the male-body-image as in I look in the mirror at home and think, yeah, I DO look pretty good don't I? After the trainer had made the comment about losing weight and then looking at my reflection in the window, since it was dark outside, I thought wow, I'm bigger than EVERYONE on all the treadmills around me. :( So now where I was EXCITED about the gym I'm now a little bummed out about it. I won't quit, I'll keep going, but shit, I didn't think I had so much to work on. Still waiting for a check for my car. They at least found my title YESTERDAY. That's progress right? whatever!

goals at the gym

I just realized I have no idea what my goal is. I mean, I know my OVERALL goal, be stronger and have more endurance, but little goals, as in I want to walk/run ____ miles by next week, curl 40 pounds, etc. I have a free personal training session Thursday so maybe they'll help me figure out a goal? I mean, normally my goal is just TO WIN. Which doesn't really apply to working out. The teenager already has goals... who the hell did she learn that from?!?!

gym membership (144 lbs this morning)

Yes, I, or really, WE (the teenager and I), joined a gym yesterday. $35 a month. If I cut out my twice a week McD's frappe mochas and hashbrowns then the gym is paid for. What sold us on it? The price, the distance (5 mins from home) and umm Ryan, the cute black young personal trainer / ex-football player. I wasn't even paying attention to what he was saying about the gym equipment. Okay we're in! ha. We went back later that day and worked out for an hour. 30 minutes treadmill, 7 mins for me the cross country thing where I thought I was going to DIE and 20 minutes weights. I LOVE the weights. I could pass on the cardio but I know I need it. I need stamina and upper body strength. And I guess I need to lose a few pounds because Ryan said I could lose 20 pounds in 8 weeks (ohh um I need to LOSE weight? I thought I was just gonna build muscle, shit!) with exercise AND a better diet (how's your diet? "uhh it's okay" (as I had just consumed a mcdouble on the way over there)). Maybe I thought I carried it well, I'm 5' 7, but then again I've got the tire around my middle unless I stand up straight and suck it in. Teenager loves the cardio and could pass on the weights so at least we can motivate each other in our "weak" areas... she's was really good at it, "c'mon Mom, just lower your level by one and do another 2 minutes, you can do it! go mom!". too cute. I will kick her ass on the free weights though. ;) And really, I would like to look better in a bathing suit, and my tight running/volleyball tank tops I wear in the summer, etc. So our plan is Monday Tuesday Thurs Friday & Sunday. My worry is that if she makes the cheerleading squad she won't go with me anymore however maybe by then I'll have the "courage" to go by myself. Another Cindy at the gym helped us figure out how to program the cross country machine - she was very nice and could tell we were in trouble. Both the teenager and I are kind goofy so I'm sure we annoyed some of the other people. And when I was "dying" and saying under my breath, fuck me, fuck this, fuck this machine, I'm dying, fuck ME, one guy actually MOVED. The other Cindy, who is a GRANDMOTHER by the way, looked over and asked the teenager if I was okay, "oh yeah, she's fine". Saturday was 84 - we went fishing all day. GORGEOUS day. I caught 2 trout, b/f caught 6. WHY DOES HE ALWAYS CATCH MORE! Sunday was 40's and snowing. Typical Colorado for ya.

where the heck is my title?

No one can find it... nice. So I sit here with no vehicle 3 weeks later. I called the b/f to tell him and I started crying - why? Because I have a sore throat and I'm not in control of finding the vehicle title - someone else has to. I have to rely SOMEONE else within the company I WORK FOR but not in the building/state. I want go home and go to bed. This weekend we should have awesome weather. I'm not going to work tomorrow, I'm getting my ass outside, sick or not, I will be outside. I hate being sick. I feel like the biggest wuss in the world and I'm always on the edge of crying. Lame huh?

still waiting for that check

so I can go car shopping... which I dread, but hopefully all will be finalized by this weekend. End of last year I was raising money for the youngest to go on a People to People trip. I had raised about half of it but then she moved to her father's in WA. Well I cancelled the trip. People to People requires that you make payments at certain dates and if you don't the trip can be cancelled anyway. The later you wait to cancel the more money they keep. I couldn't afford to pay for it anyway on one income. Regardless, she's not here to help fund raise. All the $ is being returned to the people that donated. She can go on this trip at ANY time (she's already pre-qualified) and her father can raise the money. I'm sure I'll be labeled as the bad mom - meh, I'm ready for it. 4 more weeks until volleyball. FOUR.

settlement

So it's definitely totaled - did I already mention that? I never read old posts. Got more than blue book so I'm happy with that. I'm doing better this week - not so over-emotional thank God.

Saturday I worked in the morning. That afternoon the b/f and I tried to play some tennis (and then hopefully fish) but it was so damn windy we had to stop. Yesterday was nicer but after the teenager and I got hair cuts and went grocery shopping we just stayed home. The 3000 piece puzzle I bought LAST summer is FINALLY done. The b/f and I worked hours on it (normally it's just me working on it) and he finished it today. Looks pretty cool - I'll have to post a pic. This weekend we'll have to shop for a new one...

I do not look forward to car shopping. I'm going to leave that up to the b/f and his brother and then I'll just narrow it down from what they find. I really only want to spend half of the settlement on a used vehicle and put the rest into savings where I currently have a ZERO balance.

no news yet

talked to the mechanic who talked to the adjuster yesterday. per the mechanic's initial VIEW of it the car could go either way, repairable or totaled. PLEASEEEEEEEEEEEE fix it I begged... I'll show you my bruised boob if that will help! Anyway, hopefully I'll hear something today.

Sunday I caught my first trout of the season - pretty, thick and pink pretty spots. If only it was trouser trout, oh well - it counts! except spots on a trouser trout may be the herp... boyfriend caught 2 - he always kicks my ass at fishing. The first fish, "Fred", bled ALL over him as soon as he pulled him out of the water - it was horrible - that poor trout swallowed that hook. B/F looked like he murdered someone. Fred sank, then twisted around and around, then sank again - I think he survived though. That is the worst feeling, not knowing if a fish will survive. We're only doing catch and release now. Last year we had too many fish in the freezer that we never even ate. It was a waste.

back to the grind...

car accident

Saturday afternoon - teenager is okay, I'm bruised up from the seat belt. I literally paid off the vehicle the day before so please keep your fingers crossed the car is repairable... it's been a shitty weekend. My shoulder and chest are still sore and the side of my boob has a huge bruise. :(

shopping around for a gym

I haven't been in a gym for about 10 years. I hate working out, I love sports. So if I'm gonna work out I need to compete with someone... which would be the soon to be 15 year old (next week!) teenage daughter. Granted, she'll kick my ass every time but I'm fine with that. There was an ad for $12 sign up $12 per month - we're gonna go check it out. I figure I'm already working extra hours for this other agent I can take some of that money and invest in MYSELF. Besides I'm sick of having no upper body strength when playing tennis and volleyball. I want those ripped arms and I need STAMINA so when I play all day vball tournaments I don't feel like collapsing (literally)...

A lot to do this weekend. Work Saturday morning, highlights in the afternoon, sports physical for teenager (cheerleader tryouts are this month - keep your fingers crossed), clean out the garage... have to take advantage of the 50 degree weather we'll have. I just wanna be OUTSIDE. Maybe we'll throw in some tennis too which my b/f will kick my ass out but that's okay 'cause it allows me to wear my cute white tennis skirt! Sometimes my priorities are really screwed up... lol

I am beat

Boss left - I am staring at the screen...

Too much to do, too much commuting, too much stress. Please let it end soon!

Spring is so around the corner - it's torture waiting for it.

runnin' ragged

Between the current job, the new job starting 2 afternoons per week and Saturdays and making ornaments...

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...

what was I talking about again?

it was a great birthday

Wanna know why?

1) I'm still alive. Broke but alive.

2) I stopped by the western antique store... brought 9 sample ornaments with me - the owner took all of them (on consignment) with a request for more...

ohhhhhhhh yeahhhhhhhhhhhhh

crazy fat girl

I can't access your blog - I'm worried about you.

Send me a message on here.

cowboy up

Are these awesome or what? I have to say, these are my new favorites...

saturday #2

Tomorrow is the 2nd Saturday at the new job. I'm not even sure it's worth going in since I can't really make any phone calls to followup with customer/potential new clients during the week. The new boss did give me a cell phone which was nice except I forgot to re-charge it and forgot honestly that I even HAD it. I will say I need extra $ so I'm not NOT happy about going in on Saturday. Just hard to get in the grove when no one is really there and I'm still not really sure how they run the office. Basically the new boss just says, "do whatever you need to do". Supposedly tomorrow we have "a lot to go over". Starting the 24th I will go work in the afternoons 2 days a week at the new job.

I seem to be getting myself into little work dilemmas - between the current boss, the new one, the district manager, and other agents. As in some customers want to "follow me" but they're already being assigned to another agency... it's a clusterfuck right now and I'm not sure how we're going to handle it all.

I can tell my current boss is ready for May 13th (the last official day we'll be open). I'm ready for it too! Trust me, the final day of that long ass commute will be great.

B/F still doesn't have a job. Do I need to even describe my stress? I had a quiet panicking/crying episode here at work while trying to figure out how to pay bills. Ugh.

Earlier this week I made some cowboy hat & sheriff badge ornaments - they are drying - tonight hopefully I can paint & glaze them... I want them to be ready for next Wednesday (my birthday!) when I work only half day and I'll go over to that western / antique store. I'm a little nervous. Do I pitch my stuff? Do I just show her and she'll say yes/no/I'll think about it? I don't even know what to BRING them in - I have a wood box/briefcase looking thing I can set them in...

Tonight the teenager has a dentist appointment - which I never mind going to because our dentist is cute as hell. DR ADAM I LOVE YOU! just kidding. sorta. Then a hair trim for me (I did cut off 6 inches but I'm thinking I need to do another 2), Sam's Club, Hobby Lobby and hopefully home. My "mother-in-law's" sister bought a few ornaments so I made $30 so I can buy more supplies.

1 more hour to go here at work. pleaseeeeeeeeeee hurryyyyyyyyyyyyyy.

screw posting

Sick of the snow and my commutes from hell - at least 1 & 1/2 hours each morning the last 2 days.

"mother-in-law" in town - nice to have her but sucks that we can't really get out and do anything since we're broke. she needs to come back out in summer so we can go fishing, picnic-ing, etc.

Haven't worked on ornaments in 2 weeks - yikes! too busy on the weekend. Did get a email response on some pics of the "western" ornaments that I emailed to a western/antique store - she wants me to bring them in. cool beans. Will walk around the other stores to see what they carry and followup on what I think they may be interested in. Will probably do this this Saturday after I work a few hours (at the other job).

That's it - back to the mother fin' grind!

good news, finally

interview this morning:

went GREAT
more $
better benefits
20 minute commute compared to my hour right now
in-house massages every other week - sweet! (yeah, when he asked do you like massages I thought where is this interview going?!)

will work on saturday and probably 2 half days during the week to make the transition from this office to that office... (my boss is retiring end of May) and to make sure we all MESH at this new place, but I think we will. I am 99% sure we will.

V-day swap

Yep, love Valentine's Day (as you can tell I already got a head start on making the hearts to sell and for friends/family). Of course I also love that my birthday is 2 days later... ;)

This swap should be fun! http://www.alltheweigh.com/

20 minutes of sadness

That's all I had yesterday (last night) - thank the Lord above.

I talked to a potential new employer for about 30 minutes yesterday. We have an initial interview Friday morning. Pretty much the same thing I'm doing now but more selling (I think). Not what I originally wanted to do however this guy is one of the top 100 agents in all of Colorado (been an agent for 24 years) so it would be stable. Anyway, we gotta see if we mesh, the price is right and have a trial run (maybe 1/2 day a week for a while since I'm really not available until June). I pretty much told him I will be completely honest about what I want/don't want/etc - he was happy to hear that. I told the b/f it's just cause I'm old now and don't give a shit and have no intention on kissing ass for a job (which is kinda shitty to say in this economy I suppose). This new location would also cut my commute time in half. Anyway, I'm not excited about it but hey, it's an opportunity and we'll see what happens.

The COOL thing is however is that there is a LOT of v-ball leagues in his area... and he mentioned Kerri Walsh's (AVP player - sand) relative (uncle maybe) is an agent too (in CA of course) and that's how he got a signed volleyball by Kerri and I said, "ohhhhhhhhhhh hmmmm now THAT is an incentive" he said, yeah, he could hook me up. Again, entice Cindy with signed AVP crap and food - that's all I need. ;)

So onward I go...

I laughed

I laughed at something stupid on the radio this morning, on the way to work. Hearing my own laughter caught me off guard. I mean, I've laughed at home of course with the b/f because he is hilarious. I needed him yesterday at work - just for some hugs and comfort. I kinda feel like that lost puppy that needs to be around their owner 24/7 to feel secure. Yuck. Anyway, it felt like a breakthrough - laughing on my own. Maybe this cloud is lifting.

I have a customer, Leo, who is very funny and a truck driver with a very heavy spanish accent. When talking to him over the phone I can barely understand him. The last couple of times I've talked to him he's ended it by saying, "okay I love you Cinnnnndy!". uhhh Okay! Yesterday I answered back Okay I love you too Leo! That made me smile. It was lame and obviously not really professional but who gives a shit. I should have asked his g/f the other day, does Leo say he loves EVERYONE? He also said he'd hook me up with a free tattoo, but I'm a big baby so I doubt I'll ever take him up on that offer.

Please TODAY, be BETTER.

tired

Tired of this, tired of that. Tired. Can't sleep... body aches... stress I know.

At least one day on the weekend is devoted to crafts (since at this point I have nothing else to do).

Made some smaller $5 hearts and some $10 moon/star ornaments.

Ummm I need to start selling some soon! Otherwise I'll have no $ to buy more supplies. At least I'll be well stocked for craft shows this summer (me being optimistic).

Thought I was doing okay today until the school district called to say my youngest had been accepted to transfer to a new school for next year but of course they were notified that she moved, but "in case she moves back" she still qualifies and then I started to cry. JHC - enough already!

tired of crying

Really, I am. My crying is not continuous, just on and off. An overwhelming I'm never going to get through this, things will never get better, feeling. Sheesh. I'm TIRED of having this feeling every few months. I am scared.

But I'm not a p*ssy. Does that make sense?

I wish volleyball was going on so I could play against some a**hole. That always makes me feel better.

And life goes on...

bottomed out?

Still no job for b/f - going on a month now.

TODAY:

The job I thought I would have after my boss retired end of may is not available. Not enough room in the new district manager's budget to hire me. great.

Then my aunt calls and leaves a message at home last night. I call her from work. My mother had one sibling, my uncle who died about 8 years ago. This is his wife. I haven't talked to her or any of the family really since the funeral. We do exchange Christmas cards. In fact I have no verbal contact with any extended family. After my grandparents died my mother didn't make an effort to keep in contact which means as I kid I stopped seeing cousins, etc.

My aunt is worried about my mother's health and mental well-being. To me it's not new news but to her it's shocking. We talked for a good 40 minutes. She doesn't understand why my mother doesn't call me, fly out to see me, says that she doesn't have any money, etc. I tell her I've accepted the fact that my mother isn't who I want her to be, she's just who she is and I've accepted it. My aunt doesn't understand - she's got a huge family, loves her kids & grandkids - does anything and everything to see them be with them. So hearing about what I don't get just made me MORE depressed than I already am. I had to stop from crying. I told her I was always jealous of her family. :( Anyway, when I visit So Cal this summer I'll arrange to see her somehow (she's in Santa Cruz). *big sigh*

Really, I don't feel like I can handle anymore - guess God has other plans though 'cause he just keeps giving me more...

What I've been working on...

Sheep - cute and durable!

pigs

moose - finally a batch of moose that didn't end up breaking... those skinny legs were a problem

hearts for Valentine's Day

newly painted craft room

cows



All ornaments are $10 each...

I need to make some money! lol

back to numb

Well I didn't cry yesterday, that's good right? I'm back to numb again.

Not sure why I can never remember when the spring volleyball session starts - I think it's April. 4 months. *sigh* wayyyyyyyy toooooooooo long.

We needed a new starter for the pickle. $242 plus tax. Next is a new windshield. I said to the B/F, your brother is going to reimburse right? "right". surrrrrrreeeeeeeeee.

Job opportunities in the mix for the B/F - possibly a future foreman position with of course some painting too. I think he would enjoy this. He's a good people person and has that management personality and can be a charmer with the homeowners too.

Saturday is salon day - it's been 3 months since I had my roots done. I've been wearing ponytails every day for a month because my hair looks so shitty. I purposely made sure to set aside part of commission check to pay for it. And order new contacts. And fix the pickle... and well poof it's gone already!

teal

Last night the B/F painted the "new" craft room which is actually the little one's old room. I wanted a teal color - he got some free paint from his buddies - it's more of a green than blue but I really like it - and it's lighter. I have a framed surfer poster (pipeline I think). 2 more frames I'm going to spraypaint silver and throw some surfers in there. Will bring up my newly formed shell collection from the basement to put on the wall (not sure what design yet). Will be pretty when I'm done...

Yesterday he drove down and we dropped the "pickle", that POS van from his brother, off at the repair shop. I think it needs a new ignition switch. My stomach is in knots thinking about the cost. B/F is still job hunting... repair shop just called, of course the pickle starts perfectly for them every time.

Teenager gets out early on Wednesdays from High School. Her and friends are going to McD's after school then home to practice cheer - 3 girls, or maybe 4 now, are going out for the squad I think sometime in March.

Work is busy - which is good - it keeps me from crying.

resolutions

The little one "floating" down Boulder creek (yes, the day that I got ass-ivy).

Both of us can fit on this huge turtle...

resolutions:


NONE.



The last one I made was back in high school to water my plants. Think I kept it? We have NO real plants in the house. It's hard enough to "water" the hermit crab.







There are fun things I want to try though. Like "real tubing" down some of our rivers - we've kinda done the floaty thing for like 50 yards, but not actually tubed down the whole thing. Mainly because the little one was too little - this year the teenager will probably want to go with friends I'm sure. And when her twin and the little one come out for the summer we can try it (little one now has a life jacket). I would like to try white water rafting too - I know I will scream the whole way but it looks fun. I get jealous when we're out fishing and see the rafters.







I also need to increase my arm strength. I have none. This would make a huge difference when hitting the ball (both volleyball and tennis) and serving. I can "place" a hit (in v-ball) and score a point but really I'd like to ram it down someone's throat. Especially at some asshole guy that is on at least ONE team every league-session or tournament.

*big sigh*

YESTERDAY:

Was going to post yesterday afternoon, but then my little one called from her Dad's house. After about 5 minutes of talking to her I started getting weepy, then started crying (and trying not to SOUND like I was crying - that works real well doesn't it?) and finally said I needed to get back to work. I didn't want to her to hear me. After that I was just a mess and went into the bathroom and bawled. Once again when I got home I was just numb. I don't know if I made the right decision.

Talked to my mother (who lives in CA) and hasn't been doing well healthwise for the past couple of years - she fell at home, hit her head on the hardwood floors, but she's "okay". She's not okay.

The POS van won't start most mornings - probably needs a new starter per the B/F. Cool, $ we don't have.

Anyway, after all that I was ready to say, F it! I don't care! Just do whatever!


Today I've got jazz playing instead of my regular 80's music - just trying to keep this a mellow day.